I got it working. I only wish I knew exactly what it was that fixed it. Last thing I tried was coding the whole car with revtor's NCS Expert profile, letting it sleep, then voila, the phone option was there.
Hooked up the antenna and microphone. Everything is working; contacts synchronize, incoming audio is perfect.
Problem is, the outgoing audio is unusable. If I speak directly into the microphone, it sounds fine. If I speak from the standard driver's position, it sounds very distant and cuts out. I have no idea what the problem is.