Oh it’s that time of the year again. That time of year where the malls are filled with people buying poorly built over priced designer one time use helicopters and are not at all freaked out by the bearded guy walking around shouting “ho ho ho” and asking the ladies if they want to sit on his lap. The time of year you discover why any mall, grocery store or place that sells nothing in a box has so much parking and that hell is creeping behind an old lady pushing her walker slowly inch by inch to her brand new extra wide extra heavy Cadillac only to find a totally open parking spot no more than 10ft from the entrance as you are triumphantly walking from your hard earned parking spot right next to the garbage compactor.
Yes it’s Turkey Day. Or our hockey playing neighbors to the north call it “Thursday”. Yes the day we as a nation give thanks, hang out with family we really don’t want to hang out with, eat the caloric intake of a small Ugandan
village in the form of resurrected bread (stuffing), domestically abused tubers (mashed potatoes), fruit of unknown origin (canned chambray stuff) and a little bird force feed anabolic steroids and sleeping pills (turkey) and then pass out in a chemically induced coma.
But most of all we do give thanks. We give thanks that no one was harmed and that the neighborhood did not go up in flames when we tried to deep fat fry our turkey this year and that when the fire department showed up they were understanding and did not give you a fine for stupidity and only confiscated half of your beer. Speaking of beer we also give thanks to beer on this fine day, for if it weren’t for beer no man could say the words “Hold my beer and watch this!” as the one size too big turkey was shoved using a shovel into a one size too small deep fat fryer causing a massive pressure increase that turned said flightless bird into a hypersonic flaming projectile leaving behind it a 3ft deep crater in the ground where the heater use to be. And we would like to give thanks to youtube…where said videos will be posted. But most of all we need to thank our friends and family for being there to have bought said turkey, to have held said beer and to have helped us stop out the resulting fire and reassuring us “I never saw that coming!”