So its Christmas. The day of the year we think JC popped out of the holy of holies and looked around and said you aint my daddy! And pass me some of that frankincense!
The key here my good friend is we think, because the current pope who scares most everyone and photographs like a train wreck isnt really sure and if he has his way not only will mangier birth be forever rewritten to not include the cow or the donkey or the chickenswhich will have a detrimental effect of the acting careers of many 3rd graders but he has also stated that he will will also adjust the date of said grand entrance by pushing it back further in the year by a day or two. And while the loss of the acting roles for kids will be no major loss, do we really need another 3rd grade drama queen getting in touch with her inner donkey, the movement of the holy day back even by a single day is truly a disaster.
As we all know per the rantings of bored news readers there is some sort of war on Christmas. A war which we are all partaking but not aware of! Every year like good little solders we wake up early in the pre dawn hours, in the darkest of the dark and in the coldest of the cold and march into the trenches and as the sun rises over the horizon we breach the ramparts of our local shopping malls and electronics stores, foaming at the mouth and screaming Tally HO HO HO look at that 3D LCD TV with smella vision! and we charge! We charge like our very lives depend on it for in reality they do. For the fallen will be forgotten and the week shall be left with nothing but D cells of an off brand.and we charge! Jumping across barriers and partake in combat with old ladies swinging their walking sticks over their heads in a form of gladiatorial combat over which the winner shall have the spoils of a designer sock or a universal remote which usually sells for $100 but is now on sale for $90 assuming you fill out the 15 page mail in rebate which is paid to you in duck fat. After which we the tired, the bruised, the battle hardened returned home with our spoils of war which was placed in the basements and addicts to be forgotten with last years invasion of Wal-Mart!
Mean while our Jewish friends are looking at each other thinking Really? why cant you be civilized and just spread the love across 5 days and some nights. And what is up with this hiking thing.really you are going to hike into the woods and cut down some poor squirrels winter home where he stashes his nuts and spoils of his black Friday adventure using an ax better suited for taking down redwoods only to strap 15ft tall sapling on top of your south Korean made ultra fuel efficient Yarris which is smaller than some of the high end designer trinkets you will be hanging off the sap soaked branches while wondering if that really was a squirrels that you just saw run across the room chasing the dog with a butter knife or was it just too much eggnog?
But never the less my good friends the war will be over soon. We will gather together again in a few days drinking twice fermented Juicy Juice bragging to anyone who will listen about how the 100inch LDC 4D TV they are watching precariously taking up 150% of the space usually reserved for the wall preventing people from entering the bathroom was ripped from the clutches of an old man with one eye and well how can a man with one eye really appreciate the true depth of 4D!
And if all things go according to the master plan we shall win this war for Christmas! And next year we shall start the buying season at Halloween and then is when our metal will be tested against ghosts and goblins and former presidents all hopped on fun sized kitkats and candied apples! And then my friends..we shall scream Tally Ho Ho Ho Ho and fight our way to buy another pair of designer socks just like the ones be bought last year but have no clue where we put them!
