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      07-11-2012, 04:01 PM   #89
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More leg humping....
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      07-11-2012, 04:07 PM   #90
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Dude - you're living the other part of this ugly equation. I really feel for you.

Women with kids usually announce to you right when you first meet them that you'll always be in second place to her kids which is really stupid if you think about it.

Those same kids are going to grow up and leave their momma someday - (at least that should be the goal). Momma's partner or signifigant other is supposed to be with her for much, much longer. As a parent, it's your job to teach the kids to be stable, responsible adults - not worship them as little idols and constantly try to be their best friend all the time. Constantly putting the kid's wants ahead of their partner's only creates resentment over time.

I'm not saying they shouldn't love their kids or do things for them when they need it - but so many of these single moms have their priorities so messed up that they're not really capable of being in a healthy relationship in the first place. When they tell you that their kids will always be their number one priority - they're basically telling you that you'll always come second to their whiny, manipulative litte demon seeds. Kids know this pecking order too - it works for them many times on their biological fathers so you can imagine the crap they get away with on their step dads.

There should never be a priority list or pecking order if these women are serious about starting a relationship with you. Their kids should never be ranked ahead of you because that just severely handicaps the relationship before it even starts. She needs to make enough room for you in her life too or it will never work.

Just my opinion.
bazinga. That was pretty spot on to how I feel and is also my opinion based on personal experience.
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      07-11-2012, 04:19 PM   #91
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I only date girls who I think will be serious relationship/marriage material. Otherwise it's just a hookup.

When dating a woman with kids or who has been divorced, tread very carefully, no two situations are alike, but I promise you, the bond between a family, mother to children and father to children is biologically wired, if it's been wired before you, it's best to move on. You will always be the third awkward wheel who doesn't belong.

Especially if the kids are under 12, let Mom raise her kids, by all means, get laid, but if you want to be in love or a serious relationship, do you and her a favor and move on.
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      07-11-2012, 04:23 PM   #92
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Especially if the kids are under 12, let Mom raise her kids, by all means, get laid, but if you want to be in love or a serious relationship, do you and her a favor and move on.
Hey hey my Dad met my Mom when she was 21 and had a 2 yr old from a previous marriage. Ended up marrying her and here I am today.

Thanks Daddy.

Patience like that I sure didnt get from him. I couldnt do it, but Im really glad he did.
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      07-11-2012, 04:24 PM   #93
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the stretched out vag business is immature nonsense. But that is the mentality of the 24 year old douche bag that is often the sperm donor.

I will absolutely judge people who made bad decisions, we all should. I do not think I am better then they are as a human being, but I do think it is vitally important to make the distinction between making good decisions and bad ones or we will never stop making bad ones.

people who make bad decisions have children who make bad decisions and the cycle never ends. Someone needs to observe the differe
nce between good and bad so that they can make good decisions.

Agree to disagree.
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      07-11-2012, 05:02 PM   #94
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I too agree there really is only one conversation here and it's centered around where you are in life. I know tools that are in there 40's and female, some of my sons best buddies are not only tools but the shed as well in their early 20's.
I really agree with an early statement of it depends on the person and the situation. When I got divorced 10 years ago, after 21 years of marriage I met several women in their 30's with kids who wanted only one thing, a lifestyle. Pass on that. I have a good friend who married a knockout ex stripper got her pregnant and she became born again and is a nut and is driving him away and their kid into counselling later in life. This kind of substantiates Collins statement earlier in a less sardonic way.
Me personally no way, raised my own kids I know how difficult that is and I am too damn old and selfish to do it again, other who knows. Difficult question to answer with only one clear cut response.
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      07-11-2012, 05:53 PM   #95
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Yep, I agree.

We went out for a year 11 years ago, she went from me to babies daddy and had her kids. Flash forward 10 years and we hook up again, things were good for a bit but slowly it has evolved into what it is now.
It's been a year, and I'm getting fed up with a LOT of things. Not to toot my horn, but I have treated her and her kids like royalty, everything of value in their house I bought. I used to get laid a lot, now it's almost a sexless relationship. She was the one instigating sex at first, now we can't do it because the kids are in the room next to us or she's too exhausted and too tired to do it. She's said "no" and shot me down so much I don't even try any more. I get sex when she wants it, which is almost never now.
I'm fed up with buying dinner, and having the kids not like the food even before they've tried it, and having no table manners, talking back, and just being rude and ungrateful, but I can't yell at them, or lay down rules, and at this point, it IS my role to do that.
They're her kids, and they have a daddy they see 2 days every 2 weeks, I don't want kids and don't want to be a daddy (unless it's MY kid, but at 45 that's unlikely). When I go to her place, I go to see her, not her AND her kids, but I'm in their life at this point and I'm not getting the respect or being treated the way I deserve..

One thing about her, she's a good girl, and loves me, and when I Have had enough, and threatened leaving unless she changed, she Has backed up and changed, so not all is lost, but soon here I'm going to lay some rules down (kids learning manners, more "us" time with the kids home, getting to watch shows that aren't for kids, set bedtimes for the kids) that she's not going to like, and I'm not sure she'll go for it, at which point I'm going to leave. I've been unhappy in this relationship for a while now, and as I write this, I'm getting closer to bailing unless things change.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JLee83 View Post
Dude - you're living the other part of this ugly equation. I really feel for you.

Women with kids usually announce to you right when you first meet them that you'll always be in second place to her kids which is really stupid if you think about it.

Those same kids are going to grow up and leave their momma someday - (at least that should be the goal). Momma's partner or signifigant other is supposed to be with her for much, much longer. As a parent, it's your job to teach the kids to be stable, responsible adults - not worship them as little idols and constantly try to be their best friend all the time. Constantly putting the kid's wants ahead of their partner's only creates resentment over time.

I'm not saying they shouldn't love their kids or do things for them when they need it - but so many of these single moms have their priorities so messed up that they're not really capable of being in a healthy relationship in the first place. When they tell you that their kids will always be their number one priority - they're basically telling you that you'll always come second to their whiny, manipulative litte demon seeds. Kids know this pecking order too - it works for them many times on their biological fathers so you can imagine the crap they get away with on their step dads.

There should never be a priority list or pecking order if these women are serious about starting a relationship with you. Their kids should never be ranked ahead of you because that just severely handicaps the relationship before it even starts. She needs to make enough room for you in her life too or it will never work.

Just my opinion.
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      07-11-2012, 06:44 PM   #96
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Originally Posted by mike the snake View Post
Yep, I agree.

We went out for a year 11 years ago, she went from me to babies daddy and had her kids. Flash forward 10 years and we hook up again, things were good for a bit but slowly it has evolved into what it is now.
It's been a year, and I'm getting fed up with a LOT of things. Not to toot my horn, but I have treated her and her kids like royalty, everything of value in their house I bought. I used to get laid a lot, now it's almost a sexless relationship. She was the one instigating sex at first, now we can't do it because the kids are in the room next to us or she's too exhausted and too tired to do it. She's said "no" and shot me down so much I don't even try any more. I get sex when she wants it, which is almost never now.
I'm fed up with buying dinner, and having the kids not like the food even before they've tried it, and having no table manners, talking back, and just being rude and ungrateful, but I can't yell at them, or lay down rules, and at this point, it IS my role to do that.
They're her kids, and they have a daddy they see 2 days every 2 weeks, I don't want kids and don't want to be a daddy (unless it's MY kid, but at 45 that's unlikely). When I go to her place, I go to see her, not her AND her kids, but I'm in their life at this point and I'm not getting the respect or being treated the way I deserve..

One thing about her, she's a good girl, and loves me, and when I Have had enough, and threatened leaving unless she changed, she Has backed up and changed, so not all is lost, but soon here I'm going to lay some rules down (kids learning manners, more "us" time with the kids home, getting to watch shows that aren't for kids, set bedtimes for the kids) that she's not going to like, and I'm not sure she'll go for it, at which point I'm going to leave. I've been unhappy in this relationship for a while now, and as I write this, I'm getting closer to bailing unless things change.

Thats rough. For some people who want it, it work but for others its just not fair. You're raising and making sacrifices for kids that arent even yours and sounds like youre not getting much in return. She should be giving you a bj every night before bed as part of having to watch disney channel for HER kids. There should be equal give and take in a relationship and it doesnt sound like that's the case in yours. Seems like its all give on your part and all take on hers. Good luck man. Plenty beautiful non crazy women out there.
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      07-11-2012, 06:50 PM   #97
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^^ +1

It sounds like you're procrastinating the inevitable.

I would hate to be an advocate to break up any relationship (if it's healthy), but life is too short to just go through the motions and expect a change. The longer you lead on her and her child, the more hurt will be involved when/if you leave.

There are WAY too many great catches out there and you need to be honest with yourself if this is the life you plan to have for many years to come.

The clock is ticking bud...
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      07-11-2012, 06:59 PM   #98
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mike the snake View Post
Yep, I agree.

We went out for a year 11 years ago, she went from me to babies daddy and had her kids. Flash forward 10 years and we hook up again, things were good for a bit but slowly it has evolved into what it is now.
It's been a year, and I'm getting fed up with a LOT of things. Not to toot my horn, but I have treated her and her kids like royalty, everything of value in their house I bought. I used to get laid a lot, now it's almost a sexless relationship. She was the one instigating sex at first, now we can't do it because the kids are in the room next to us or she's too exhausted and too tired to do it. She's said "no" and shot me down so much I don't even try any more. I get sex when she wants it, which is almost never now.
I'm fed up with buying dinner, and having the kids not like the food even before they've tried it, and having no table manners, talking back, and just being rude and ungrateful, but I can't yell at them, or lay down rules, and at this point, it IS my role to do that.
They're her kids, and they have a daddy they see 2 days every 2 weeks, I don't want kids and don't want to be a daddy (unless it's MY kid, but at 45 that's unlikely). When I go to her place, I go to see her, not her AND her kids, but I'm in their life at this point and I'm not getting the respect or being treated the way I deserve..

One thing about her, she's a good girl, and loves me, and when I Have had enough, and threatened leaving unless she changed, she Has backed up and changed, so not all is lost, but soon here I'm going to lay some rules down (kids learning manners, more "us" time with the kids home, getting to watch shows that aren't for kids, set bedtimes for the kids) that she's not going to like, and I'm not sure she'll go for it, at which point I'm going to leave. I've been unhappy in this relationship for a while now, and as I write this, I'm getting closer to bailing unless things change.
Hey Mike, I see both sides on this one. When I was single, I would not date women with kids because it was an uneven relationship, i.e. I didn't have kids and the woman did. I kind of figured that the best chance for that type of relationship would be when both parties had children (2 divorced people, for example) and thus both were at somewhat the same "stage" in life.

Part of the problem for you is that you're having to "buy into" a situation that is not of your own making, i.e. they are not your kids. Plus, not having raised these kids from the beginning, you're never going to be held in the same esteem as their mom.

Where I understand her side a bit more is that I'm now married (20 years next year) and have 2 13 year olds. I can tell you that there is nothing quite as energy sapping as being a parent, and I have a fantastic wife that does a wonderful job with our kids - we work as a team, and if wears both of us out.

I cannot imagine trying to do what we do as a single parent. Good lord. I always give a silent tip of the hat to those single parents that manage to do a good job. It's impossible to convey how difficult it is without living it. I certainly thought I understood at the beginning, but it's wearing in ways that are difficult to describe.

So, that all being written, I think you're being very fair in how you're looking at things, and I don't blame you for being ready to walk. I would just say to keep in mind that your lady is walking a very difficult tight rope: she probably carries a certain degree of guilt about her kids, she loves you, and ex hubby still comes around every 2 weeks. She's got quite a load.

Man, writing that gives me the willies. I could not abide having to countenance the ex every couple of weeks. That alone would be a dealbreaker when I was single. I think you've been very patient with the situation, so be honest with yourself and do what is best. Good luck!
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      07-11-2012, 07:05 PM   #99
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^^ +1

It sounds like you're procrastinating the inevitable.

I would hate to be an advocate to break up any relationship (if it's healthy), but life is too short to just go through the motions and expect a change. The longer you lead on her and her child, the more hurt will be involved when/if you leave.

There are WAY too many great catches out there and you need to be honest with yourself if this is the life you plan to have for many years to come.

The clock is ticking bud...

All Im trying to say is that if I was Mike's girl.... a girl like the real me would be seen as a threat and I'd be doing everything I can to make him happy and want to stay versus finding someone else who didnt have all the extra and (not to toot my own horn) was the full package.


I know we are only hearing his side of the story but from his side, if I was Mike, I'd break it loose and find a different girl.. Billions of people on the planet and nearly half are female. Shouldnt be too hard right?
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      07-11-2012, 07:42 PM   #100
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Would like to put this post in a time capsule and revisit in twenty years, and see what everyone's opinion/viewpoint is then.

First, I will simply state it is wise to choose well. However, that means exactly doodley squat in today's world...

According to current and trending statistics, 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. 2nd time around, 60-67%, and 3rd time, 75 friggin percent!!! Couples with children are less likely to divorce, but only by a percent or two.

Statistically, half of the people on this forum will get divorced. Doesn't matter how wise you choose, shit happens, people change, life changes. It takes two to marry, only one to file for divorce.

For those of you that get married, your wife later runs off with the drug head, leaves you with 3 kids, I'm betting your views will be somewhat different. Who be da tool then?
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      07-11-2012, 07:52 PM   #101
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Would like to put this post in a time capsule and revisit in twenty years, and see what everyone's opinion/viewpoint is then.

First, I will simply state it is wise to choose well. However, that means exactly doodley squat in today's world...

According to current and trending statistics, 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. 2nd time around, 60-67%, and 3rd time, 75 friggin percent!!! Couples with children are less likely to divorce, but only by a percent or two.

Statistically, half of the people on this forum will get divorced. Doesn't matter how wise you choose, shit happens, people change, life changes. It takes two to marry, only one to file for divorce.

For those of you that get married, your wife later runs off with the drug head, leaves you with 3 kids, I'm betting your views will be somewhat different. Who be da tool then?
It's mostly about how much bullshyt are you willing to put up with....

Because there WILL be bullshyt.

Find that girl with the least amount of bullshyt.

Then pray she can deal with your bullshyt.

*Props to all the single parents on this board btw
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      07-11-2012, 08:05 PM   #102
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you know what they say about single moms, "at least you know they put out"
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      07-11-2012, 08:23 PM   #103
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you know what they say about single moms, "at least you know they put out"
Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
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      07-11-2012, 08:57 PM   #104
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Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
lol.

i've dated a girl briefly who was a single mom, and it was far from what you're describing, good lay all the way around. she also did not have any stretch marks at all. most girls who have stretch marks don't know how to take care of their bodies. that being said, the kid thing was a nightmare. could never have any privacy and going out require crazy preplanning due to the sitter thing, which of course meant no staying out late. yawn, that was the real deal breaker.
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      07-11-2012, 09:56 PM   #105
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go for it
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      07-12-2012, 09:07 AM   #106
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OK having mid morning tea so I shall pontificate.
I was married for 7.5 years to who I thought was my soul mate. I met her while I was working in Finland as an engineer. She worked as a manager of a POS burger shop.
Long and short of it we got married and 7.5 years I got a text message saying she wanted to get a divorce.
Turns out she was cheating on me for 6 months.

And here is what I should have known but didn't want to accept.
1) Women are bat shit crazy! A woman can be on fire and if a man tells her that she is on fire the man is wrong....it's has nothing to do with her being on fire it's simply that you are a man and you are WRONG!

2) You can't change people. Some people want to be more than who they are and go to school and get an education and dress well....and others just want to be no greater than managers of POS burger stands!

So let's take into account what the above mean to you as a man dating a woman with kids. Well if the motherfucker monkeys are cutting holes in your leather seats and using a bat to "modify" your car guess what...it's all your fault for having a nice car and not "understanding" them.

And once a single mom with no education and a career...always a single mom with no education and a career...so you better have a good lawyer and spending money.

So to sum it up....why would any man worth his salt date a single mom? I mean really? What is in it for you?

Now this is coming from a guy who's mom married a great guy when she had two bat shit crazy kids...me and my younger brother.

But that man is a facking saint! I on the other hand...I am not! And he got lucky, my facking SOB father left the country so there were no baby daddy issues.

So to sum it up, she cute? She hot? WTF is the matter with you? Don't you know any strippers you can date?
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      07-12-2012, 10:12 AM   #107
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So to sum it up, she cute? She hot? WTF is the matter with you? Don't you know any strippers you can date?
A good portion of strippers are single mother's. They're also single mother's because they're strippers.

"When all else fails, become a stripper"

-FwdFtl
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      07-12-2012, 02:31 PM   #108
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OK so date the strippers that don't have kids.

but that said pulling strippers is....woooh hard work.
And i'm just too lazy for that shit!

but if any of you know of a single non single mom stripper in N-NJ let me know!
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      07-12-2012, 10:18 PM   #109
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hi
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      07-13-2012, 09:26 PM   #110
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They're single mothers for a reason, typically.
Truest words I've heard read.
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