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      11-03-2007, 06:57 AM   #1
vivekk
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Wink OT: Fantasy UK dealership!

Considering Carlos has been starting various 'high calibre' threads about a number of topics, I thought I'd start this off!

If you could produce your own 'Fantasy dealership', which people would you have & what roles would you give them?

You can only use UK members of this forum for all roles in this dealership, ok!


I have a number of ideas, one of which includes using Steve A as head of Information Technology!
I look forward to his view of fixing a corrupted RAID array!
I assume you'd look at it for a couple of seconds, shout 'TALK TO ME' a few times & then get yourself down to the local pub for the rest of the afternoon?!

Carlos , would certainly be in charge of oil services, but could work with Paul (1stnewcar) to identify the need for alloy repairs!

I'm sure James would be great at identifying cars which have had ECU 'piggybacks', whereas Paul (beauforty) would be on the ball if we ever needed to check if a car had ever had a pig in the back seat!

We will need some female representatives in our dealership, and since we only seem to have Helen (beemerbird) amongst us, she can recruit anyone she wants to!


Right then, let's see which members will be working in this garage of ours & I wonder which jobs they'll be doing?!

Viv


BTW- My role as one of the Dealer Principals, will be to do sweet f**k all!
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Last edited by vivekk; 11-03-2007 at 07:18 AM.
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      11-03-2007, 07:12 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hotcoupe View Post
Well my role would have to be head of Human Resources.
I'll get to do all the interviewing of potential employees,so yes this fantasy dealership will be mostly staffed by females,company attire will be tasteful basques!
Along these lines:
I see you have exceptionally high standards, HC!

Viv
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      11-03-2007, 07:52 AM   #3
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My first thoughts for Hotcoupe were obviously Sales Manager but I suppose head of Human Resources he can transfer his skills to charming chief bulls....er Would the unifrom be provided by the Company though?

E92 - Tony has to be head of corporate events and entertaining - best qualifications by far.

NFS or mjh93sa? - tough one for the position of customer services/communication. Both like to 'talk' alot No offence intended gentlemen BTW.
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      11-03-2007, 08:12 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivekk View Post
BTW- My role as one of the Dealer Principals, will be to do sweet f**k all!
Sorry Viv. If anyone is going to do f*ck all it has to be me.

I've been building up to a job like that all my life.
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      11-03-2007, 08:14 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by needforspeed View Post
Sorry Viv. If anyone is going to do f*ck all it has to be me.

I've been building up to a job like that all my life.
There is the possibility you could be a second Dealer Prinicpal, ok NFS!

However, it would involve the discussion of politics, sex & religion, for no specific reason whatsoever, ok?!

Viv
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      11-03-2007, 08:19 AM   #6
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My dealership would be a High Technological Unit.

Comprising of a Space age workshop, housing 20 new style ramps with 4 ex formula one techinicians per car in the workshop at a time!

it will be a glass building which has solar panels to power all electrics.

the total square footage will be 1000000.

outside is a dedicated race track facility

with a 13 mile track replicated exactly the same as the Nordeschleife combined with a replica of monza and spa. One HELL of a track!

totalling in length 20.9 miles in length...

a seperate airfield/bowl racetrack with 45 degree banking and straights of over 5 miles long for top speed runs!!

there is a dedicated dragstrip dubbed

''The Carlos Quarter mile'' in which the lap record is held by a 335d license plate **07DXB with a time of 8.5 170mph

The car is the dealerships main attraction as the most powerful BMW known to man.

the engine is a 6.0 quad turbo V12 DIESEL engine! producing 1700BHP AND 2000 IB FT Torque!!



its basically two 3.0 twin turbo diesel engines combined together.



the car turbos are unique special affairs called ''Carlos series GT75. Which are roller bearing turbos for no lag and have a maximum boost pressure of 85psi to create such amazing HP and Torque!!

the Engine has a variable compression ratio to eliminate any detonation and to withstand such high boost pressures.. The crank and rods are Titanium and are lightened also.

The car has 6 High pressure fuel pumps and 2 injectors per cylinder flowing at over 20000psi.

The intercooler is a quaudruple capacity unit which lowers the ACT's and sits behind the front bumper!!



You to can have this conversion for £100,000! half price discount today!


The main staff happen to be members of E90post.com

I Carlos (dxb335d) and the Owner and MD

Viv (Vivekk) Is the Dealer principle and any matter he cannot rectify will be passed onto me for resolution

Stevie A is the Technological Analysist and over sees any new modifications and engineering feats which come out of the

''Fandango Modification Centre for amazing E9X''

PeterG is the Tea boy, man he makes a mean cuppa, He will supply you with a fantastic beverage to order!

BeemerBird aka Helen is the ''Sales manager'' with

Beauforty
Evil Diesel
Mjhsa
Red355
1stnewcar
as her salesmen

Serjames is the ''Parts Manager''

with E92fan Tony as the ''service Manager''

OliH
is the Potwash man who also cleans the toilets


Sheps and myself are current test drivers for all track action which happens!


MickyDee is the Chef in the Staff Kitchen and always knocks up some good grub. WE have a dedicated drive thru menu for all BMW drivers!!


ShereKhan
is the '' BMW 320si problem solver'' and is the first person in the world so sort the starting problems on these cars!


Dervfan is the ''financial advisor'' and sorts HP and finance for potential customers.


Hotcoupe and Creepy Coupe are senior technicians
and are leaders to the 200 strong fleet of Junior Technicians

NFS and Silverbmwz3 are car valeters


this amazing dealership will be called (DRUM ROLL, PLEAASE)
















































''The Carlos Fanandago BMW centre of excellence''







Carlos
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      11-03-2007, 08:23 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beemerbird View Post
NFS or mjh93sa? - tough one for the position of customer services/communication. Both like to 'talk' alot No offence intended gentlemen BTW.
I prefer the 'black books' style of customer service:

Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
Manny: They want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah but why me? Why do they come to me?
Manny: Well, because you sell books.
Bernard: Yeah, I know... but...

Bernard: Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out.
Old Woman: What?
Bernard: Sorry, we're closed. Get out.
Old Woman: But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
[Bernard picks up a broom and starts shooing people away with it]
Bernard: Come on, out out out.
Refined Customer: [Standing up to Bernard] You know, I expect better service -
Bernard: Well, expect away. Come on, you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets, out out out, back to life, back to reality, thank you.
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      11-03-2007, 08:33 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dxb335d View Post
My dealership would be a High Technological Unit.

Comprising of a Space age workshop, housing 20 new style ramps with 4 ex formula one techinicians per car in the workshop at a time!

it will be a glass building which has solar panels to power all electrics.

the total square footage will be 1000000.

outside is a dedicated race track facility

with a 13 mile track replicated exactly the same as the Nordeschleife combined with a replica of monza and spa. One HELL of a track!

totalling in length 20.9 miles in length...

a seperate airfield/bowl racetrack with 45 degree banking and straights of over 5 miles long for top speed runs!!

there is a dedicated dragstrip dubbed

''The Carlos Quarter mile'' in which the lap record is held by a 335d license plate **07DXB with a time of 8.5 170mph

The car is the dealerships main attraction as the most powerful BMW known to man.

the engine is a 6.0 quad turbo V12 DIESEL engine! producing 1700BHP AND 2000 IB FT Torque!!



its basically two 3.0 twin turbo diesel engines combined together.



the car turbos are unique special affairs called ''Carlos series GT75. Which are roller bearing turbos for no lag and have a maximum boost pressure of 85psi to create such amazing HP and Torque!!

the Engine has a variable compression ratio to eliminate any detonation and to withstand such high boost pressures.. The crank and rods are Titanium and are lightened also.

The car has 6 High pressure fuel pumps and 2 injectors per cylinder flowing at over 20000psi.

The intercooler is a quaudruple capacity unit which lowers the ACT's and sits behind the front bumper!!



You to can have this conversion for 100,000! half price discount today!


The main staff happen to be members of E90post.com

I Carlos (dxb335d) and the Owner and MD

Viv (Vivekk) Is the Dealer principle and any matter he cannot rectify will be passed onto me for resolution

Stevie A is the Technological Analysist and over sees any new modifications and engineering feats which come out of the

''Fandango Modification Centre for amazing E9X''

PeterG is the Tea boy, man he makes a mean cuppa, He will supply you with a fantastic beverage to order!

BeemerBird aka Helen is the ''Sales manager'' with

Beauforty
Evil Diesel
Mjhsa
Red355
1stnewcar
as her salesmen

Serjames is the ''Parts Manager''

with E92fan Tony as the ''service Manager''

OliH
is the Potwash man who also cleans the toilets


Sheps and myself are current test drivers for all track action which happens!


MickyDee is the Chef in the Staff Kitchen and always knocks up some good grub. WE have a dedicated drive thru menu for all BMW drivers!!


ShereKhan
is the '' BMW 320si problem solver'' and is the first person in the world so sort the starting problems on these cars!


Dervfan is the ''financial advisor'' and sorts HP and finance for potential customers.


Hotcoupe and Creepy Coupe are senior technicians
and are leaders to the 200 strong fleet of Junior Technicians

NFS and Silverbmwz3 are car valeters


this amazing dealership will be called (DRUM ROLL, PLEAASE)
















































''The Carlos Fanandago BMW centre of excellence''







Carlos
Everytime you make a post, Carlos, I think of you with the fantastic imagination of a kid....with a nappy on!



Viv
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      11-03-2007, 08:34 AM   #9
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NFS, how come we are valeters? We haven't even made detailer level yet. Must be the "spotty faced teenager, couldn't give a damn, now where's that dirty sponge" impression we give ?

Carlos I'm not sticking up for you anymore unless you immediately promote me to receptionist.
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      11-03-2007, 08:34 AM   #10
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Viv...LOL...how come you have access to Carlos' family album?
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      11-03-2007, 08:36 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
NFS, how come we are valeters? We haven't even made detailer level yet. Must be the "spotty faced teenager, couldn't give a damn, now where's that dirty sponge" impression we give ?

Carlos I'm not sticking up for you anymore unless you immediately promote me to receptionist.
your promoted to receptionist as of NOW

love you
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      11-03-2007, 08:39 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
NFS, how come we are valeters? We haven't even made detailer level yet. Must be the "spotty faced teenager, couldn't give a damn, now where's that dirty sponge" impression we give ?

Carlos I'm not sticking up for you anymore unless you immediately promote me to receptionist.
I'd like you & NFS to produce a good clear coat swirl:non-swirl ratio, before I can promote you both to receptionists, Paul!

Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
Viv...LOL...how come you have access to Carlos' family album?
His mum told me she's proud of him & wanted all the staff to know what he looked like as a baby Carlos!

Viv
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      11-03-2007, 08:40 AM   #13
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Right Carlos - as you have appointed me as Sales Manager, my first task is to increase sales of BMW's to female customers. Therefore I propose that my male staff should use as much initiative as possible to attain this goal. As a suggestion, I would like them to view the following and let me know colour preference.

Attachment 110028

Last edited by beemerbird; 07-09-2008 at 04:08 PM.
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      11-03-2007, 08:40 AM   #14
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Don't you even think about talking to me Viv as I see I wasn't in your original line up whatsover
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      11-03-2007, 08:41 AM   #15
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My word beemerbird that has put me off my lunch.
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      11-03-2007, 08:46 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
Don't you even think about talking to me Viv as I see I wasn't in your original line up whatsover
That bloody MD was on the phone at the time, telling me to sort the staff out!

I told him to take his 335d to Splynters, or whatever they're called, as we don't have any suitable rims for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
My word beemerbird that has put me off my lunch.
I suppose we can't be sexist, Helen, but still!

Viv
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      11-03-2007, 08:47 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
My word beemerbird that has put me off my lunch.
Sorry about that - you don't fancy joining the sales team then?
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      11-03-2007, 08:48 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivekk View Post
That bloody MD was on the phone at the time, telling me to sort the staff out!

I told him to take his 335d to Splynters, or whatever they're called, as we don't have any suitable rims for him.

I suppose we can't be sexist, Helen, but still!

Viv
have you sorted it yet Viv?? i need some more valeters since im promoted whe whinger


sort Helen out, she is upsetting the male workforce by showing pics of cocks


thanks

MD Carlos
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      11-03-2007, 08:53 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dxb335d View Post
have you sorted it yet Viv?? i need some more valeters since im promoted whe whinger


sort Helen out, she is upsetting the male workforce by showing pics of cocks


thanks

MD Carlos
I thought you said 'Viv- you can do sweet f**k all for all I care....' ?

BTW- Fandango Snr said you have to come down to the dealership next week to get an 'experience' of the work we do.

You start with the bog brush at 8.30am on Monday, ok!

Helen, could you sort the valeters out with Hotcoupe, please- that MD's getting at me again!

Viv
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      11-03-2007, 08:53 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by beemerbird View Post
Sorry about that - you don't fancy joining the sales team then?
If we have to wear those outfits I think you wouldn't fancy me joining the sales team
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      11-03-2007, 08:54 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dxb335d View Post
have you sorted it yet Viv?? i need some more valeters since im promoted whe whinger


sort Helen out, she is upsetting the male workforce by showing pics of cocks


thanks

MD Carlos
ROTFLMAO. I just nearly spat tea over my monitor and I'm still laughing away at your second line.
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      11-03-2007, 08:55 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silverbmwz3 View Post
If we have to wear those outfits I think you wouldn't fancy me joining the sales team
you have a small pecker then mate
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