JOKES: Warning - Offends everyone! - BMW 3-Series (E90 E92) Forum

330cdsport · 08-14-2009, 08:33 AM

Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

__________________________________________________

Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Regina police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

__________________________________________________ _

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

__________________________________________________ __

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

__________________________________________________ ____

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

RagingKileak · 08-14-2009, 08:36 AM

I suspect I know where this thread will end up...

Matt

JLR1969 · 08-14-2009, 10:56 AM

Very funny though

Dr Dave · 08-14-2009, 11:44 AM

haha superb!

GME92 · 08-14-2009, 11:52 AM

LMAO!!! The wedding video joke is the best.

Steve A · 08-14-2009, 02:16 PM

two blokes chatting one says my wife is an Angel, the other says you lucky cunt mine is still alive.

Dr Dave · 08-14-2009, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve A

two blokes chatting one says my wife is an Angel, the other says you lucky cunt mine is still alive.

The short and simple ones are the best!!

zltm089 · 08-14-2009, 04:22 PM

lol.,...

Express · 08-14-2009, 04:25 PM

what do you call a dog with legs? doesnt matter he aint coming.

omaragha · 08-14-2009, 05:47 PM

Great thread !

330cdsport · 08-19-2009, 08:27 AM

A good put-down to someone that annoys you:

'If c~^ts were scarce.... you would make two!'

PeteJ · 08-19-2009, 02:46 PM

"Your like a Nazi Julie Andrews"

-In the Loop, 2009

08-14-2009, 08:33 AM	#1
330cdsport Right Responsible Drives: Sop. Grey 535d M Sport Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: N. Ireland Posts: 1,636 iTrader: (0) Garage List 2011 535d M Sport [0.00] 2007 E91 320 M Sport [0.00] 2007 E92 335d M Sport [0.00]	JOKES: Warning - Offends everyone! Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister' __________________________________ My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, 'You're not fucking listening' _____________________________________________ Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. _______________________________________________ I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off. __________________________________________________ Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Regina police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen. __________________________________________________ _ A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque. __________________________________________________ __ Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99. __________________________________________________ ____ Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'. She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing' __________________ Last: 330cd Sport - Silver Grey, 335d M Sport Coupe. Current: 535d M Sport, Sophisto Grey, Oyster/Black leather, Pro Nav, Vis, and other bits. Current: X5 XDrive 35d M Sport - Black Sapphire, lots of toys.
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08-14-2009, 11:44 AM	#4
Dr Dave Zummerzet Zyder Drinker! Drives: '06 330D Le Mans Blue Join Date: May 2009 Location: Somerset Posts: 5,481 iTrader: (3) Garage List 2006 330d M Sport [0.00]	haha superb! __________________

08-14-2009, 02:16 PM	#6
Steve A Brigadier General Drives: too much Join Date: May 2007 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 3,464 iTrader: (0)	two blokes chatting one says my wife is an Angel, the other says you lucky cunt mine is still alive. __________________ C350 cdi sport estate facelift 457lbft 130i M SportMercedes C350 CDI Sport Estate AutoMini Cooper Auto.Mercedes E250 CGI,Lexus IS-F,R36, RS4 Saloon,ML 420 CDI SPORT,M6, 335d, C55, C32, M3, M5, S3, ALL SOLD but fondly remembered

08-14-2009, 04:22 PM	#8
zltm089 Major General Drives: 335i SE Coupe Space Grey Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: LONDON Posts: 6,469 iTrader: (0) Garage List 2006 BMW 335i [5.00]	lol.,... __________________ Current Car: E92 335i SE Dream Cars: AMG SL65 Black,GallardoSuperleggera, GTR 2012, Agera R, F430 Scuderia, DBS, EVO X FQ400, Lexus LFA, F10 M5, e92 M3, GT3 RS4.0, Ferrari 458, Ferrari F12, R8 V10 plus, Jaguar F Type V8, Lamborghini LP700-4 Aventador, Chevrolet Camaro ZL1, C63 AMG Coupe Black, Vanquish 2012.

08-14-2009, 05:47 PM	#10
omaragha Major Drives: 335d M Sport Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Windsor, UK Posts: 1,018 iTrader: (3)	Great thread ! __________________

08-14-2009, 08:36 AM	#2
RagingKileak Brigadier General Drives: Modified Alpine White E92 335i Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 4,316 iTrader: (1)	I suspect I know where this thread will end up... Matt

08-14-2009, 10:56 AM	#3
JLR1969 Brigadier General Drives: 2011 318D Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Somerset Posts: 3,375 iTrader: (1)	Very funny though

08-14-2009, 11:52 AM	#5
GME92 BMW Newbie Drives: 08 AW 335i E92 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Orange County, CA Posts: 421 iTrader: (0)	LMAO!!! The wedding video joke is the best.

08-14-2009, 04:25 PM	#9
Express Major General Drives: 06 330i Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: The Promise Land Posts: 8,711 iTrader: (17) Garage List 2006 BMW 330i [4.15]	what do you call a dog with legs? doesnt matter he aint coming.

08-19-2009, 08:27 AM	#11
330cdsport Right Responsible Drives: Sop. Grey 535d M Sport Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: N. Ireland Posts: 1,636 iTrader: (0) Garage List 2011 535d M Sport [0.00] 2007 E91 320 M Sport [0.00] 2007 E92 335d M Sport [0.00]	A good put-down to someone that annoys you: 'If c~^ts were scarce.... you would make two!' __________________ Last: 330cd Sport - Silver Grey, 335d M Sport Coupe. Current: 535d M Sport, Sophisto Grey, Oyster/Black leather, Pro Nav, Vis, and other bits. Current: X5 XDrive 35d M Sport - Black Sapphire, lots of toys.

08-19-2009, 02:46 PM	#12
PeteJ Diesel Head Drives: 320d M Sport Convertible E93 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 550 iTrader: (0)	"Your like a Nazi Julie Andrews" -In the Loop, 2009

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