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      05-30-2010, 11:40 AM   #23
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Sometimes I go up the stairs and when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for.

So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.
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      05-30-2010, 11:41 AM   #24
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News just in, "HOSPITAL STAFF WORRIED ABOUT CUTS".
Well I hope no-one with a broken leg gets admitted, there'll be total panic.
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      05-30-2010, 11:43 AM   #25
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How does Stephen Hawking close his windows?

Alt + F4
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      05-30-2010, 11:45 AM   #26
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BBC News: Ships recreate Dunkirk journey for 70th anniversary.

In other news, France surrenders as a large fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk.
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      05-30-2010, 11:46 AM   #27
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First my wife said she'd lost her lipstick, then she couldn't find her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher.

I wish she'd mind her fucking makeup.
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      05-30-2010, 11:47 AM   #28
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I travelled over to Iceland by car ferry last week.

When I arrived the Sat Nav said "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'."
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      05-30-2010, 11:50 AM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
Sometimes I go up the stairs and when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for.

So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.
fack me Ed, you're on a roll mate!!!!!!
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      05-30-2010, 11:50 AM   #30
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How many paedophiles can you fit in my Mini?

Just me. The other seats are for the kids.
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      05-30-2010, 11:51 AM   #31
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After years of threatening to leave, last night my wife finally broke my heart.

She's staying.
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      05-30-2010, 11:52 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Dave View Post
fack me Ed, you're on a roll mate!!!!!!
Said we'd take care of you

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.
She loved me wrong time.
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      05-30-2010, 11:53 AM   #33
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My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.

Pierre Pressure.
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      05-30-2010, 11:53 AM   #34
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It's at least 27C outside and I was just walking through the park, when I noticed two guys giving a girl a good seeing to behind a bush.

I thought to myself, 'They must be roasting.'
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      05-30-2010, 11:55 AM   #35
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I saw a picture on the internet yesterday which showed a woman carrying crates of beer for a man, the caption was:

"Wife - Because the beer weighs too much."

I couldn't help but think shouldn't it be the other way around?
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      05-30-2010, 11:56 AM   #36
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When I was checking in at the airport to go on holiday with the wife, the girl behind the desk asked, "Did you pack all your own bags sir?"

"Do I look like I've got tits?"
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      05-30-2010, 11:57 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
I saw a picture on the internet yesterday which showed a woman carrying crates of beer for a man, the caption was:

"Wife - Because the beer weighs too much."

I couldn't help but think shouldn't it be the other way around?
hahaha fack me someone put Ed out, he's on FIRE!!!!!!!!
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      05-30-2010, 12:00 PM   #38
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I can't believe it. I'm devastated. This is going to be a disaster for everybody. My wife has got the dreaded C word.


Yes. She's got a car.
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      05-30-2010, 12:01 PM   #39
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I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my mate.

He said, "I don't follow you."
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      05-30-2010, 12:02 PM   #40
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Three tampons walking down the street, small, regular and large. Which one says "Hello" first?

None... they're all stuck up c***s
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      05-30-2010, 12:02 PM   #41
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My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.
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      05-30-2010, 12:03 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E92Fan View Post
Three tampons walking down the street, small, regular and large. Which one says "Hello" first?

None... they're all stuck up c***s


I was at the observatory the other day.
The astronomer said to me, "Look at this massive star!"
I replied, "Actually, that's a cluster of stars, if it's any constellation."
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      05-30-2010, 12:05 PM   #43
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Why is the symbol of Christianity a cross?

Because it's wrong.
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      05-30-2010, 12:05 PM   #44
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In bed with the wife last night and I just couldn't get a hard on.
She just pointed and laughed, childishly.

Which solved my problem admirably.
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