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      02-08-2011, 08:15 PM   #1
WOPALX
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Aussie Joke Thread

Figured there are some funny bastards amongst us so lets start a joke thread.
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      02-08-2011, 08:15 PM   #2
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How many to change a light globe?

We put the question to the students of Sydney, and here's how they replied:

Scots - Two. One to mix the martinis and one to phone the electrician.

PLC - One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Sydney Grammar - Two. One to change the bulb and one to crack under the
pressure.

James Ruse Agricultural - Four. One to design a nuclear powered one that
never needs changing, two to install it and one to write the computer
programme that controls the switch.

Forest High - Two. One to change the bulb and one to figure out how to get
high off the old one.

Loreto Kirribilli - One. She'll put through a call to maintenance staff
because there's no way she's going to do manual labour.

King's - Two. One to change the globe faster than anyone in the GPS and
one to show him around the school afterwards.

Knox Grammar - Two. One to install the new bulb completely powered by
testosterone and one to brag about it loudly.

Cranbrook - Six. One to change the bulb and five to support its sexual
orientation.

Ravenswood - Five. One to change the bulb, two to reassure her that she
doesn't look fat at the top of the ladder and two to circulate photos
showing that she does.

Abbotsleigh - Four. One to smash the glass ceiling so that they can get to
the top of the ladder, one to install the globe and two to check that it's
brighter than PLC's.

Shore - Sixteen. One to send out the invitations, two to get the beer, one
to change the bulb, one to buy Ralph Lauren polos for everyone, two to
smuggle the chicks in and one to keep watch for the boarding master. The
second eight just need to be ready to back them up.

Northern Beaches Christian School - Two. One human and God just to make
sure the light shelters all in need, whether it be for food, shelter..blah blah
f**kin blah...

Macdonald College - Five. One to change the globe and four to do an
interpretive dance about it.

Newington. - None. They're all too drunk to notice.

Killara High - Two. One to change the bulb and one to write to the North
Shore Times about how she did it as well as any private school student.

Santa Sabina - None. They're all down at Strathfield station having a
ciggie.

St Pat's, Strathfield - Ten. One to change it and one to buy the hair gel
to impress and ultimately lay the Santa Sabina chicks, while the rest compete
wiv da Christian Bruvvers for da turf (Strathfield Station).

Homebush Boys High - Fourteen. One to change it, one to throw the old one
at the St Pat's boys and six Italians and six Asians to kick the crap out of
each other in the meantime.

Barrenjoey High - Eleven. One to change it and ten to share the
experience.

Parramatta High - None. That hole looks better in the dark.

Joey's - Fifteen. It's not that one's not smart enough, it's just that
they're a team and they have to form a lineout and get the backs into
position.

Barker College - Fifteen. One to change it and the rest to walk around as
if they own the place and talk it up.

MLC Burwood - Two. One to change it but only after the other one has found
an interpreter to translate the English instructions.

Sydney Uni - Seventy six. One to change the globe. Fifty to protest the
globe's right not to change and twenty five to stage a counter protest.

Mater Maria - Twenty. One to change it and the rest to carry on about how
it was, like, soooo fully better than at their old school.

Trinity - None. Those poor bastards are keeping their backs to the wall
even if it means standing in the dark.

SCECGS Redlands - Three. One to change the bulb and two to nick down to
Bed, Bath and Table to buy a Jacquard shade for it in the new season's colours.

Queenwood - Depends, could be one, could be ten, no-one is prepared to
commit unless the Shore boys are definitely going to be there.

Mercy College - Five, one to screw it in, two to laugh about the word
screw and two to message the St Pius boys about it.

St Pius X - Three, one to get word around that the Mercy girls are talking
about a screw, one to replace the bulb and one to pray that they get it
done in time to beat the Chatswood High boys to the Mercy party.

Brigidine - None. It's too hard to find a new globe with their sunglasses
on.

Girraween High - Two. One student and one teacher but not before they make
out.

Marist Eastwood - Five. One to change it and four to shop for the perfect
J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

Riverview - Five. One to change it, and four to go to Gowings for new
flannellette shirts to wear for the occasion.

Cabramatta High - Ten. One to change the bulb, two to negotiate a pay off
to rival gangs to prevent anything going down during the change and therest
to stake out just in case.

Kogarah High - Five. One to install it. One to tally the number of times
he says F*** while he's doing it, one to brag about the size of their
falafels and a couple of eager chicks with gelled hair and monobrows who overheard
and came for 'lunch'.

East Hills Girls - Nobody bothered to ask because nobody cares about East
Hills.

Riverstone High - Six. Two to break into the store, one to steal the
globe, one to install it and two to help him reach the socket using their
pregnant tummies as steps.

The International School - None. They brought notes from their guardians
excusing them.

Ascham - One, because she's a unique, self motivated, individual.

Kincoppal - Three. One to change it and two to make sure her hair ribbons
are still in place afterwards.

Glenaeon - The entire school. One to remove the perfectly good globe, two
to work out how to dispose of it so that it's dolphin safe,one to replace it
with candles and the rest to sit on mats and express how they feel about
the change.

Frensham - The girl who answered the phone said she was pleased to be
included with the Sydney schools but probably would never know the answer
because her Daddy had said to phone immediately if the maintenance man
made any disgusting suggestions.

North Sydney Girl's High - One and she was determined to get better
results than the North Sydney Boys.

North Sydney Boy's High - None. They didn't have to, the North Sydney
Girls insisted on showing them how it was done.

Narrabeen Sports High - Unsure. Their response was something like 'Duuh,
what's a light globe?'

Pennant Hills High - About fifteen. One to change the bulb, but a small
search party to try and find a socket that hasn't been burnt to a crisp.

Tara - Five. One to replace the globe, three to figure out that she
screwed it in upside down and one to phone her brother at Kings and get him to
send over his mates to show them how to screw the right way up.

The Conservatorium - Forty Three. One to change the globe and a 42 piece
orchestra to accompany him.

Kambala - Two. One to change the bulb and one to phone daddy to pay for
it.

Condell Park - None. They didn't want to spoil its 'quickie in the dark'
atmosphere.

St Aloysius - Three. One to put in a formal complaint about the
imposition, one to change the bulb and one to make the observation that it isn't half
as bright as the light shining from their arses.

Leichhardt High - Four. One to order a Venetian chandelier from her cousin
Roberto who owns a lighting warehouse and imports from the old country,
one to arrange delivery cause his sister's husband Tony has an uncle whose
mate, Angelo, has a truck, one to put the squeeze on his neighbour Dominic the
electrician because he owes him a favour and one to make sure everything
is done cash.
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      02-08-2011, 08:38 PM   #3
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hahahaha not from NSW but that gives a great insight
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      02-08-2011, 08:42 PM   #4
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Seeeeeeeeeeeeeen it. And laughed a lot. Knowing people from many of those schools makes it even funnier.
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      02-08-2011, 08:44 PM   #5
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so how many people cracked in your year essbeesee?
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      02-08-2011, 09:00 PM   #6
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There was an accident on the freeway today.

I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.

I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.
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      02-08-2011, 09:02 PM   #7
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I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
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      02-08-2011, 09:05 PM   #8
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
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      02-08-2011, 09:23 PM   #9
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Couple of jokes posted by other members on E90 Post....

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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      02-08-2011, 09:24 PM   #10
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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      02-08-2011, 09:26 PM   #11
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**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**



**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**




**'Swimming pool? ...........**




**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
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      02-08-2011, 09:30 PM   #12
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Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:



'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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      02-08-2011, 09:30 PM   #13
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At an Optometrist' s Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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      02-08-2011, 09:32 PM   #14
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The Australian Tax Office decides to audit grandad and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when he showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says grandad. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandad says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditors jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandad asks "I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just avoided a major loss and broke even. But grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
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      02-08-2011, 09:33 PM   #15
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Lord Of The Rings
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
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      02-08-2011, 09:34 PM   #16
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A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I cannot come in today. I'm sick."

The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him into his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"

"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's okay. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start $#@!ing." "Errr you $#@! your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"
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      02-08-2011, 09:36 PM   #17
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so um.. shouldn't people be working?
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      02-08-2011, 09:37 PM   #18
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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      02-08-2011, 09:38 PM   #19
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Sheer Negligee
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
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      02-08-2011, 09:40 PM   #20
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He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?
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      02-08-2011, 09:42 PM   #21
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Chase Manhattan Bank- Long Joke
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appoint for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank presiden then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she stated. "You bet!" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances -- there was $25,0000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00; humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day -- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
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      02-08-2011, 09:49 PM   #22
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^^ Same thing as WOPALX a bit above

Yes I am actually reading them lol
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