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      02-09-2011, 02:23 AM   #45
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Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:



'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
Sign over an Engineer's Office:

"I AM NO GYNECOLOGIST BUT I'LL HAVE A LOOK"
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      02-09-2011, 02:31 AM   #46
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A salesman was travelling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case... we will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a tree. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.

Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
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      02-09-2011, 02:36 AM   #47
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.'

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
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      02-09-2011, 02:37 AM   #48
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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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      02-09-2011, 02:38 AM   #49
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335i boy - that's awesome lol

wopalx - lol at the middle eastern mothers one. Don't get the calf one though :S
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      02-09-2011, 02:41 AM   #50
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Simplified World Map
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      02-09-2011, 03:03 AM   #51
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.



The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."



"Did you dance much ?"


"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening. But, you're not going to believe what happened
to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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      02-09-2011, 05:06 PM   #52
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moarrr please !!1!!1
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      02-09-2011, 05:22 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bmroxm5 View Post
moarrr please !!1!!1
Lol did you read all 3 pages so far? I'm about to go to work, I'll find some more stuff to post later. I'm sure wopalx has a collection he's willing to share.
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      02-09-2011, 05:51 PM   #54
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Quote:
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moarrr please !!1!!1
+1

WOPALX your jokes are really good! Post more!!!
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      02-09-2011, 07:29 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rossiM3 View Post
+1

WOPALX your jokes are really good! Post more!!!
Not really mine, just ones I get sent.

Unfortunately I'm exhausting my supply of clean ones
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      02-09-2011, 07:34 PM   #56
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Quote:
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Not really mine, just ones I get sent.

Unfortunately I'm exhausting my supply of clean ones
f**k the clean ones! just give us MORE!!!
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      02-09-2011, 07:44 PM   #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rossiM3 View Post
f**k the clean ones! just give us MORE!!!
Stu is pretty much giving us the entire internet

Love it
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      02-09-2011, 07:50 PM   #58
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XSBOOST sent me this one earlier today ....


JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign

around her neck.


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,

he finally gives up..


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.


On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but

Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you

can have me'.


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he

does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens

with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he

has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company

to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular

guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck

that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week.
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      02-09-2011, 07:54 PM   #59
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Facts of Life ... Famous Peoples Quotes

"Having $ex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen!

"Bi$exuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase $exual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner

"$ex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille
Paglia

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi tch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral $ex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

"Women need a reason to have $ex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a peni$, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

"$ex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
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      02-09-2011, 07:55 PM   #60
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Will you reconsider the way you vote?

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job
this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous,
but in the last year we had to close our operations. I was forced out of
the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

Just so you know, I lost both of my sons fighting for their country.
lost them in Iraq and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get
rich? My pain is indescribable.

I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when
he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical
problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career, all
because of President Bush.

Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are
compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you
are a Christian. If I had any money left I would donate it all to the
Democratic Party.

If Al Gore had been elected President in 2000, I would still have a job,
a home and most importantly, a family.

Regards,

Saddam Hussein
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      02-09-2011, 07:58 PM   #61
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Houston

Plane Is On Its Way To Houston When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up And
Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down.

The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This And Asks To See Her Ticket. She
Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class And That She Will
Have To Sit In The Back.

The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston And I'm
Staying Right Here."

The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The
Co-pilot That There Is A Blonde Sitting In First Class That Belongs In
Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat.

The Co-pilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because She
Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat.

The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston And
I'm Staying Right Here."

The Co-pilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police
Waiting When They Land To Arrest This Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To
Reason.

The Pilot Says, "you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This. I'm Married To
A Blonde. I Speak Blonde."

He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She Says, "oh, I'm
Sorry." And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy.

The Flight Attendant And Co-pilot Are Amazed And Asked Him What He Said To
Make Her Move Without Any Fuss.

"i Told Her, First Class Isn't Going To Houston."
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      02-09-2011, 08:05 PM   #62
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      02-09-2011, 08:09 PM   #63
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      02-09-2011, 08:16 PM   #64
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Videos to break up the wall of text. NICE
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      02-09-2011, 10:01 PM   #65
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      02-09-2011, 11:12 PM   #66
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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
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