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      03-11-2011, 04:17 AM   #1
ed335d
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Clarksonisms

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like
having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."


"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped
off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there
will be no war with Germany ."


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom."


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It
begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot."


"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite."


"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw."


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable
than what... BEING STABBED?"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not
that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"


Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain,
they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road,
some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."


" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access."


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show... so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest
Ferrari of them all!"


On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force
crashing into a firework factory."


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a
murderer."


"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to
be on my plate at supper time."


"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face."


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you
like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it
helps."


"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to
Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a
woman!"


"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
President."


On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous
wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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      03-11-2011, 04:32 AM   #2
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"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to
Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a
woman!"

LOL
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      03-11-2011, 05:10 AM   #3
marcel b
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I am wondering how many of these he actually made up himself. Some are really funny.
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      03-11-2011, 05:27 AM   #4
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That's moslty why I like him - he says things like me and I have a similar train of thought about exaggerating stuff.

I think the people who get really wound up by it all are probably taking him too seriously....

Matt
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      03-11-2011, 05:28 AM   #5
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They're very good
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      03-11-2011, 05:28 AM   #6
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I think hes brilliant! been waiting endlessly for tickets to top gear but still nothing! the waiting list is loooooooooooooooong
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      03-11-2011, 05:30 AM   #7
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I think hes brilliant! been waiting endlessly for tickets to top gear but still nothing! the waiting list is loooooooooooooooong
And me! Though I'm worried about being dragged out of the audience as unfortunately I'm a James May looky-likey.
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      03-11-2011, 05:31 AM   #8
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And me! Though I'm worried about being dragged out of the audience as unfortunately I'm a James May looky-likey.
LOL that would be funny

but seriously i have been on the list (supposodly) for 2-3 years now and still nothing!!?
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      03-11-2011, 05:40 AM   #9
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LOL that would be funny

but seriously i have been on the list (supposodly) for 2-3 years now and still nothing!!?
I've been on for about the same amount of time. I'm going to put my 12 year old daughter on the list and maybe she will get on the show by the time she is in her twenties.
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      03-11-2011, 05:44 AM   #10
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http://www.clarksonisms.com

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      03-11-2011, 05:46 AM   #11
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Richard Porter does a lot of script writing for them and writes for Evo too.


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"
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      03-11-2011, 06:14 AM   #12
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Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.
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      03-11-2011, 06:16 AM   #13
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Ha ha they are very funny
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      03-11-2011, 06:33 AM   #14
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That site is the web equivalent of daytime TV for chav advertisements.

No I don't want to know the secret to losing wrinkles,whitening my teeth or losing my beer belly. Or maybe it's just the cookies that I have got stored.
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      03-12-2011, 06:33 AM   #15
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No I don't want to know the secret to losing wrinkles,whitening my teeth or losing my beer belly. Or maybe it's just the cookies that I have got stored.

What are internet ads?
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      03-12-2011, 07:02 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 335diesel View Post
Richard Porter does a lot of script writing for them and writes for Evo too.


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"
Do you listen to podcasts?
Richard Porter features on the "Gareth Jones on Speed" one and he's fantastic.
Unfortunately Gareth Jones himself (sone of you may remember him as Gaz Top from kids TV in the 80's) is a bit of a knob but you take the rough with the smooth.
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      03-12-2011, 02:52 PM   #17
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He is ace! Rememeber him saying most of them!
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      03-13-2011, 04:33 AM   #18
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Cheers
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