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      05-14-2007, 01:25 AM   #1
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Insecure girlfriend question....I could really use your help!!!!!

Ok so I've been dating this girl for three years. We get along great most of the time, have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together. The only issue is she is really insecure. Sometimes her insecurities scare me to death. She can think the most self destructive thoughts humanly possible and nit-picks everything said to her. 99% of the time a compliment disappoints her because the takes the statement the complete opposite way.

Well my patience is starting to dwindle...I used to think i could help her but now I am sadly realizing that i cannot. I really love her but i simply can not help her.

Tonight we were having an innocent discussion and it turned into another disaster. As of late i am trying to gain a little weight and bulk up for summer and i asked her what i should work on. She refused to answer the question and kept dodging it. All i wanted was to know what to work on! I think she was thinking she would hurt my feelings or make me insecure...but really i only wanted some advice! Anyways, so she proceeds to ask me what she should work on and gave me two options. Trying to demonstrate a simple answer, i told her abs. Now before i tell you how she reacted i should tell you she has a great body and i tell her about it all the time. So anyways, she refuses to talk to me, and calls me a few minutes later crying and telling me how sick she feels and that she is going to throw up. She then goes in a huge spree about how she isnt good enough for me etc etc. Needless to say, i dont think she will ever be able to get over this.

I am really sick of always having to walk on egg shells about what i say around her. I am really a respectful person and she knows whatever i say i mean in the best ways. I really don't know what to do anymore!!!! Please guys, this girl means so much to me, but i dont really know what to do! does anybody have and advice as to what i should do? What would you do if you were in my shoes!
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      05-14-2007, 01:30 AM   #2
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dump her and move on!!!
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      05-14-2007, 01:33 AM   #3
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Sounds like my last ex. Fuckin bitch (My ex). It sucks when it gets to that point. I remember when I would have to watch what I said around her, which it shouldn't be. You shouldn't have to watch what you say around someone that you're with IMO.
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      05-14-2007, 01:34 AM   #4
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It's almost impossible to change someone's personality or behavior. Just think about it- how can you change someone in just a few years when they've been like that for the last 20-30 years of their lives?
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      05-14-2007, 01:36 AM   #5
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Sounds like one of those people that will never truly be happy. A "glass is always half empty" perspective can be hard to deal with.

If it bother you now, it will only get worse with time imo... Only you can decide if she's worth it.
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      05-14-2007, 01:44 AM   #6
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Ryan. 3 years is a long time invested in a relationship. She needs to see a therapist to deal with her insecurities. A mild anti-depressant might help as well. Welbutrin or Celexa might do the trick. I've been married 7 years. Yes, we all go through tough times. Perhaps she thinks highly of you and low of herself? Maybe she isn't where she thought she would be at this stage in her life? I would gently suggest a therapist, and even tell her you are willing to invest the time in therapy as well. Most HMO's and PPO's cover some sort of therapy with a small deductible. Three-Four months invested with a professional could make the world of difference for the both of you. Don't give up too soon. It sounds like your really do love her. But the walking on eggshells is no way to live.
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      05-14-2007, 01:53 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tommydogsdad View Post
Ryan. 3 years is a long time invested in a relationship. She needs to see a therapist to deal with her insecurities. A mild anti-depressant might help as well. Welbutrin or Celexa might do the trick. I've been married 7 years. Yes, we all go through tough times. Perhaps she thinks highly of you and low of herself? Maybe she isn't where she thought she would be at this stage in her life? I would gently suggest a therapist, and even tell her you are willing to invest the time in therapy as well. Most HMO's and PPO's cover some sort of therapy with a small deductible. Three-Four months invested with a professional could make the world of difference for the both of you. Don't give up too soon. It sounds like your really do love her. But the walking on eggshells is no way to live.
Thanks alot for all of your replies. I have really been pushing to see a therapist for a while now, but every time i do it starts another fight. She thinks that it is degrading to get help...that its only for "crazy" people. It is really frustrating for me because i have seen therapists in the past when my father died and it really helped alot.
It looks like i have a tough decision on my hands.... Everytime i think about breaking up my heart sinks but part of my mind says its the right thing to do. I really do love her and i have envisioned us getting married and whatnot but petty fights over nothing gets really exhausting over time. I just need to keep telling myself anything i do will never be enough...
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      05-14-2007, 02:01 AM   #8
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Ryan

Maybe she wants to get married. Women feel insure because they feel less attractive to other men when they get older in age. So since she has already invested 3 years of her life with you (which is a long time in a relationship in any standard) she might be in the phase where she is looking for something solid for her future. She doesn't want to waste 3 years of her life and not feel secure about her future and if it keeps dragging on, it will just take up more of her "attractiveness" sort of speak and she thinks that the older she gets, the less chance she will get another guy (if you guys break up)

hope you understand me, my english is bad
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      05-14-2007, 02:27 AM   #9
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dang, i had the same problem with my girl, i figured i do the same thing you did. simply continue to let her know how great i think she is, basically reminding her that she's the one for me. took awhile, but in less then a year she began to break through the idea that she wasn't good enough for me and see that she is. but as for you my friend. 3 years???? i don't know buddy. tough call.....i guess you can either learn to be even more patient or leave her
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      05-14-2007, 02:54 AM   #10
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if you really care for her, then youll stick with it...much more rewardin if it works out.....ask some "psychiatrists", see what help can be offered
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      05-14-2007, 06:11 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BMWE90 View Post
It's almost impossible to change someone's personality or behavior. Just think about it- how can you change someone in just a few years when they've been like that for the last 20-30 years of their lives?
+1

You cannot change her. Only she can change herself and especially with this attitude it takes a lot of effort and work, are you willing to wait and help her? That is the question - I consider myself a good man, but I would not be willing to wait...for something that may never happen. There comes a time where you need to decide whether staying with this woman would drive you crazy or that you love them so much you can live with it. Sound like the first is true for you and I understand, i've been there..."Are you mad at me?" "What did I do?" ..and i'm just tired, never said a word...heh

I can't stand these poor attitudes from women, that just continue - go on and on...

I would say...stick with it a bit longer and see what happens. Look for some professional help maybe? Dr. Phil? (heh..) I don't know, its a tough call...I might just move on unless I really loved her and felt she was the one.


Good luck with that, these things are never easy...
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      05-14-2007, 06:39 AM   #12
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I dealt with the same thing a year ago. The bottom line is that if she doesnt want to get help, shes not going to change. You're a better man than me, because I simply couldnt deal with all the little fights over absolutely NOTHING. I'm much happier now.
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      05-14-2007, 07:36 AM   #13
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I raised you all with my .02 cents. "That special person in your life is not someone you can live with, but it is someone that you cannot live without".

Read that over and over again and see if it dawn on you what it means. Someone told me that and I think it is true. It is like "Is the glass half empty or is the glass half full" thing.

Cheers...
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      05-14-2007, 08:04 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txusa03 View Post
I raised you all with my .02 cents. "That special person in your life is not someone you can live with, but it is someone that you cannot live with".

Read that over and over again and see if it dawn on you what it means. Someone told me that and I think it is true. It is like "Is the glass half empty or is the glass half full" thing.

Cheers...


txusa03 I read your quote but did you mean to say, "That special person in your life is not someone you can live with, but it is someone that you cannot live without"??


Ryan my GF was similar in many ways but also suffered from depression. My advice to you is to stick with it a bit longer. 3 years is a lot of time to not stick it out a few more months. Sit your GF down and tell her what you've said here and try to convince her to get some help and talk to a professional. You've been doing your part by being supportive but you can't walk on eggshells forever. If she doesnt want to work on it and get help then thats the time to walk away. She has to realize she has a problem and needs help. If she's not willing to accept it then nothing will change and you sticking around will be a waste of your time. I dont recall if you said how old she is but if she's still young she might need the time to grow up and figure things out. My GF and I split up cause she wanted to seal with her problems without me in the equation. That hit me hard but I eventually moved on. Funny enough 3 years later she got the help she needed and is better but only then has she realized what she lost and wanted me back but it was too late for us.
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      05-14-2007, 08:20 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gripster View Post
Sounds like one of those people that will never truly be happy. A "glass is always half empty" perspective can be hard to deal with.

If it bother you now, it will only get worse with time imo... Only you can decide if she's worth it.
I'm with Gripster. It will only get worse. Be glad you don't have her in marriage.

Once you split, she might get help, but maybe not.

Unless you want to be the therapist forever treating a basket case on your own time, it should be goodbye. Or, "Let's be friends." You should know how that turns out.

You need someone to go home to that isn't your patient. Even then, there is no guarantee that a "normal" woman wouldn't become neurotic over time. Think of it as "This is as good as it will get." Then you can't be surprised when the going gets rough.

Whatever you do, don't get married thinking that it will fix anything. And don't get married if there is any chance you will not stay with it for better or worse. Try to get the odds in your favor by starting with a healthy person.
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      05-14-2007, 09:22 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan335 View Post
Well my patience is starting to dwindle...I used to think i could help her but now I am sadly realizing that i cannot. I really love her but i simply can not help her.
There tends to be this I-wanna-be-her-hero mentality with lots of guys when they meet certain women. This mentality that you can "help" someone kind of means you may pity them, feel sorry for them, want them to break out of their shell and be normal... this "challenge" is a detriment to your health and relationship IMO. I don't mean to sound harsh but this actually happens and it'll come to a point where, as someone else mentioned, you have to decide to be more patient, or you'll just have to realize that you deserve better (ie. a normal give and take relationship without constant egg shells to walk on).

Granted, what I said above sometimes may apply in the beginning of the relationship (attracted to someone, feel that they're insecure, wanna be there for them etc.), which isn't something you gave too many details on. Has she always been this way, or did it happen later on etc.

The therapist thing isn't a bad thing, maybe you can encourage her by saying you'll join her, be there with her, at least try it out once and see where it goes etc.

I see where ehhhwik is coming from with the marriage idea, but personally I'd be very afraid to think that getting married will magically change her attitude. It's better to get this out of the way now than get married and realize that you want to get it out of the way then, which may prove to be harder or end up in divorce and complicate matters even more. In other words build your marriage on a solid foundation, not a shaky one.
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      05-14-2007, 09:24 AM   #17
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there is no use in being in a relationship if YOU are not happy. if you're scarded of breaking up with her because you feel bad about how she's gonna take it, well thats the wrong thing to do.

life is too short, especially married to the wrong person.... take a little break, make her get some help, and then give it another go, if in 2-3 months, nothing is better, then its time the both of you let go and try something different(as-in break up)
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      05-14-2007, 10:05 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by DILLIGAF View Post
txusa03 I read your quote but did you mean to say, "That special person in your life is not someone you can live with, but it is someone that you cannot live without"??
Yes yes yes. Man I tell yah, it is monday and I am dead tire. I should stay away from this kind of thread. I edited my post. Thanks.
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      05-14-2007, 10:13 AM   #19
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By your being "understanding" and such, you might be exacerbating the problem. It is being an enabler. Just like if she were an alcoholic and you covered for her drunkenness and actually bought her whiskey when the bottle went dry, all the time telling her you love her and want to help. In this type of case, a reality check might get the alcoholic off the booze. Alcoholism is unacceptable, so don't accept it. The same answer applies to your case.

Don't make it easy for her to be an emotional failure.
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      05-14-2007, 10:15 AM   #20
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Quote:
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Yes yes yes. Man I tell yah, it is monday and I am dead tire. I should stay away from this kind of thread. I edited my post. Thanks.
I have heard that one before. The first way you wrote it I thought it was a new slant to contemplate. It's actually more interesting the first way you wrote it.
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      05-14-2007, 10:31 AM   #21
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I have heard that one before. The first way you wrote it I thought it was a new slant to contemplate. It's actually more interesting the first way you wrote it.
maybe so
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      05-14-2007, 10:34 AM   #22
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maybe so
You're going to hit 4,000 posts today.
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