[Jeef Beef]

Hahahha you three are on a fucking roll.

Yesterday I went and bought some tablets for my dishwasher. She had a headache and needed some paracetamol.

[E92325i]

Originally Posted by SBC

^^ Same thing as WOPALX a bit above

Yes I am actually reading them lol

Hmm didn't see WOPALX's post

[WOPALX]

Just had a policeman at the door.

He said "it looks like your wife's been in an accident"

I replied,

"Yeah, I know, but she's got a lovely personality"

[WOPALX]

A woman gets home from the office late one evening, she's feeling horny so decides to wake her husband up by giving him a blowjob, she sneaks into the bedroom, quickly undresses and crawls up into the bed from the bottom, she gently pushes his legs apart, slides back his foreskin and starts sucking his brains out.

After just a few seconds his legs start to quiver and she sticks her middle finger up his arse which makes him shoot his load. She swallows the lot and then goes into the bathroom to clean up as she's never seen so much jizz before.

As she enters the bathroom she finds her husband on the toilet having a $#@!, she screams at him "WHAT THE $#@! ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" "Ssssshhhh" says her husband "You'll wake your dad up!" * **

[WOPALX]

Originally Posted by Jeef Beef

Hahahha you three are on a fucking roll.

I get heaps emailed to me and I file them for future use.

[WOPALX]

Thought I'd better warn you. I just got scammed out of $25. I bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. They don't give refunds either. Absolute waste of money!

[sbce90]

Originally Posted by WOPALX

A woman gets home from the office late one evening, she's feeling horny so decides to wake her husband up by giving him a blowjob, she sneaks into the bedroom, quickly undresses and crawls up into the bed from the bottom, she gently pushes his legs apart, slides back his foreskin and starts sucking his brains out.

After just a few seconds his legs start to quiver and she sticks her middle finger up his arse which makes him shoot his load. She swallows the lot and then goes into the bathroom to clean up as she's never seen so much jizz before.

As she enters the bathroom she finds her husband on the toilet having a $#@!, she screams at him "WHAT THE $#@! ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" "Ssssshhhh" says her husband "You'll wake your dad up!" * **

too far lol

[Rivenscyr]

that was way to far haha

[sbce90]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign...

It reads:
...
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

[E92325i]

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

[E92325i]

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

[rossiM3]

Originally Posted by E92325i

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

best one so far

[E92325i]

so its a mailmans last day... he hand delivering the mail to all the houses, at the last house a very pretty woman answers the door, and invites him in for a drink, after the drink she askes him if he would like a sandwich, he thinks for a minute and says
"what the heck, this is my last stop ever"
so the woman makes a sandwich, the mailman very politly thanks the woman when he is done and starts to leave... the woman says
"would you like to go upstairs to end your long career as a mailman"
of course the mailman, being a guys agrees that this would be a very fitting end to his career, so he goes and has sex with the beautiful woman
when they ended he thanks her for the fun time and steps out the door... the woman yells after him
"WAIT WAIT I FORGOT SOMETHING"
and hands him a dollar
at this point he gets kind of curious
"okay" he says
"i can understand the drink, and the sandwich..."
"...and while i was taken aback by the sex, i can still understand"
"but why on earth are you giving me a dollar"
the woman responds...
"When i asked my husband how i should show my appretiation for all those years of bring us the mail he said 'fuck him... give him a dollar!'"

[E92325i]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's alittle pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast andhis mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks. "well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and say, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[woosh]

OK I have a few saved up from being on a lot of Aussie car forums over the last 3/4 decade. These aren't meant to be racial slurs, I just think they're damn funny!

Sing this to the tune of barbie girl:

I'm a Lebo Guy,
In my Gemini,
I've got cousins,
By the Dozens
You can brush my hair
I've got it everywhere
Occupation
Workers Compensation

Comeon Ali
Lets go party

My life is full of crime
I steal all the time
All my brothers
They're all robbers
My hair full of gel
And i always smell
You can pay cash
For i will sell you hash

Destination
Lekemba Station

Comeon Ali
Drive your taxi
Comeon Ali
Drive your taxi


Lakemba Boys High School
Maths Exam
Name:
Gang:
1. Mohammad has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before reloading?
2. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and if he sells an "eight ball" to Habib for $320 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Quang is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 per trick how many tricks will each girl have to turn per day to support Quang's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Nabil wants to cut his half pound of heroin to make 20% more profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Chang gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Commodore, $100 for a Ford. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 Fords, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit, his Common Law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money has he got left when he gets out?
7. If the Average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter uses 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans?
8. Hamil knocked up 6 girls in his gang, there are 27 girls in his gang, what percent has Hamil knocked up?
9. The population of Lakemba is 86,000, the number of police is 43, what are the odds of the person watching you being a member of the police force?
10. If you get 2 years for armed robbery, 6 months for rape, 3 months for assaulting a nightclub bouncer, actually how long would you spend behind bars if you were:

a) A Turk ______ hours
b) Iranian ______ hours
c) Lebanese ______ hours
d) Aboriginal _______ years
e) Aussie _______ months
f) Asian ______ months

END OF EXAM

Wog IQ test

You have approximately 1 hour to answer the following questions. No calculators, mobile phones, laptop computers, mainframe computers, geiger counters, electrolysis kits or chiko rolls my be used during the exam.

1. If Mahammad lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch zepter wheels how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved how many razors would he need before he goes to the gym at 6pm?

3. If Mustafa runs 10 km from the police in Lakemba to punchbowl and steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. If ahmed receives a $200 a week disability allowance from Centrelink and works with his brother as a builder and receives a further $400 a week, and pays $10 a week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

5. If Mario’s dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average height of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:2 feet away _________%5 feet away _________%100 Feet away _________%

6. If Soula needs 25ml of wax a day to get rid of her facial her, and Soula is only 19, how many mills will her mum need if she is 47?

7. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and number 3 on the top then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2mm per day)

8. If George has $12,000 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions how much will it cost him to fix them if Ahmed his friend from school is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40 an hour?

9. If Sam boosts his turbo on his 200sx to 22psi and puts a chip to aggregate the turbo to 17psi on weekends, what pressure is exerted on the turbo if he puts another standard Nissan turbo and runs the twin turbo’s only on Sunday nights at Brighton?

10. If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times an hour in Bankstown square how many times will hear the word “mate” in Penrith, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

11. If you’re Father normally buys 1 item of clothing a year. How many years must pass before he gets around to buying a second pair of pants.

12. If luigi drives his family and his cousins all in one car from Leichhardt to Stanmore how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his valiant at any one given time?

13. If Leyla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 meter apart from Julie?

14. If Jim changes the oil in his fish and chip shops deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400. How often should he change his oil if he wants to spend on average a total of $180 per annum on oil changes?

15. If Abdul runs a kebab shop and is a taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200 a week how much does Centrelink give him for his unemployment benefit?

16. If Ahmed uses 1kg of bog to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if hardware house is selling them for $9 each, and each can has 850ml and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius.

17. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2 a slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if filo pastry costs 62c a sheet and she normally used 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices.

18. If Julie Smith buys 3 slices of ham, 4 slices of Devon, and 2 slices of chicken from the deli for her kids for school lunch, how many kilos correspondingly will Viola buy for her children?

19. If Bankstown’s ethnic community is increasing at 3.5% a month, and its overall population at 2.1% a month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

END OF EXAM

This Week's TV Guide For Baghdad

MONDAYS:
7:30 The Mohammed Bunch
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 Allah McBeal

TUESDAYS:
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 When Kurds Attack
9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 Veilwatch

THURSDAYS:
8:00 Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdad's
10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy

FRIDAYS:
8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot
8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other
9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Iraqi's Funniest Home Invasions
10:00 Achmed's Creek
11:00 Matloc



edit: damn these are ten years old! lol

[orey]

too much copy pasta.

ive got a good one.

what was the pirate movie rated?



ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

/thread.

[orey]

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

[rossiM3]

Originally Posted by orey

too much copy pasta.

ive got a good one.

what was the pirate movie rated?



ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

/thread.

*ding ding ding ding* i think we have a winna!

[Stuart@BMRAutowerkes]

I was just asked to contribute money to solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

[rossiM3]

Originally Posted by bmroxm5

I was just asked to contribute money to solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

lol thats a great one!

[WOPALX]

This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stan morally.


The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.


Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland, Rockhampton to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by the severe

flooding; a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're

caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot

career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing

into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.

She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the

debris. You move closer... Somehow, the woman looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is...

It's Julia Gillard!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under

forever.

You have two options:

1. You can save her life; or

2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful woman!




THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film..

or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[WOPALX]

How do you get Rita the ETA eater pregnant?

Take her to meadow lea, flora, spread well, give her some stalk and await for the miracle.