Eddie's own joke thread...

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:11 PM

Last night I walked up to a prostitute and asked, "How much for a fuck?"

She replied, "£250".

I just stood there laughing at her expense.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:12 PM

I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.

Then I thought, screw it.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:12 PM

I was in a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago and I overheard this woman say, "Guys who drive expensive cars have small penises."
I went to go talk to her. I said, "Excuse me. That is not entirely accurate because I drive a really inexpensive car and I also have a small penis."

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:13 PM

Heard the new song that's really popular with Catholics?

"Smack my bishop."

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:14 PM

I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.
Then I made a run for it.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:15 PM

I've just swung my cat around by its tail. My wife saw me and gave me such a bollocking.

On the plus side, the living room is bigger than I thought.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:17 PM

My wife is really pissed off with me for using 'nerdy, astronomical puns'.

I said, "Well at least I'm not lazy. You're always saturn uranus, eating galaxy."

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:19 PM

All day I've been pretending I'm different types of wood.

I'm board now.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:19 PM

I went to a restaurant a couple of nights ago and ordered the finest steak they had to offer. As I was eating it I couldn't help but think "Wow, this steak is better than sex!"
Then last night while I was having sex I had a follow up thought...
"Cheaper, too."

Dr Dave · 05-30-2010, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ed335d

In bed with the wife last night and I just couldn't get a hard on.
She just pointed and laughed, childishly.

Which solved my problem admirably.

LOL!!!

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr Dave

LOL!!!

I see we've found the level for you Dave...

My wife's been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years.
She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:26 PM

I've just bought a case of Stella for a fiver.

When I get home the wife's going to be gobsmacked.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:26 PM

England is bordering on anarchy.

Or Scotland, as it's better known.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:27 PM

The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to Ibiza, and she wants to come with me.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:29 PM

The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome".
As I entered the shop, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.

E92Fan · 05-30-2010, 12:29 PM

The new Government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:29 PM

Been seeing this girl for about 3 months now... Everything was going great until tonight... Fucking bitch bought curtains for her window!

E92Fan · 05-30-2010, 12:30 PM

Fancy a game of rugby league this weekend? Bradford are missing three hookers

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by E92Fan

The new Government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford

Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League?

Bradford are missing 3 hookers.

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:31 PM

Last night, I let one of my daughter's school friends stay on a sleepover.

My wife and daughter were really pissed off when they found out.

E92Fan · 05-30-2010, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ed335d

Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League?

Bradford are missing 3 hookers.

Does anyone fancy a night out in Shipley tonight? I hear there's a bit of fanny floating about!

ed335d · 05-30-2010, 12:32 PM

There is a lot of debate over where the best place to punch an aggressive shark is.

I personally reckon it's the sea.

05-30-2010, 12:11 PM	#45
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	Last night I walked up to a prostitute and asked, "How much for a fuck?" She replied, "£250". I just stood there laughing at her expense. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
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05-30-2010, 12:12 PM	#46
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall. Then I thought, screw it. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
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05-30-2010, 12:12 PM	#47
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	I was in a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago and I overheard this woman say, "Guys who drive expensive cars have small penises." I went to go talk to her. I said, "Excuse me. That is not entirely accurate because I drive a really inexpensive car and I also have a small penis." __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:13 PM	#48
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	Heard the new song that's really popular with Catholics? "Smack my bishop." __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:14 PM	#49
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for it. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:15 PM	#50
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	I've just swung my cat around by its tail. My wife saw me and gave me such a bollocking. On the plus side, the living room is bigger than I thought. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:17 PM	#51
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	My wife is really pissed off with me for using 'nerdy, astronomical puns'. I said, "Well at least I'm not lazy. You're always saturn uranus, eating galaxy." __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:19 PM	#52
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	All day I've been pretending I'm different types of wood. I'm board now. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:26 PM	#56
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	I've just bought a case of Stella for a fiver. When I get home the wife's going to be gobsmacked. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:27 PM	#58
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to Ibiza, and she wants to come with me. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:29 PM	#59
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome". As I entered the shop, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:29 PM	#60
E92Fan Moderator 322 Rep 5,493 Posts Drives: . Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: . iTrader: (0)	The new Government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford __________________ ... ... ... DMS Remap Review ----- Quaife LSD Review ----- Hartge Antiroll Bars Review ----- Bilstein PSS10 B16 Ride Control Review ----- Detail by ShineOn ----- Paintshield Review
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05-30-2010, 12:30 PM	#62
E92Fan Moderator 322 Rep 5,493 Posts Drives: . Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: . iTrader: (0)	Fancy a game of rugby league this weekend? Bradford are missing three hookers __________________ ... ... ... DMS Remap Review ----- Quaife LSD Review ----- Hartge Antiroll Bars Review ----- Bilstein PSS10 B16 Ride Control Review ----- Detail by ShineOn ----- Paintshield Review
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:31 PM	#64
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	Last night, I let one of my daughter's school friends stay on a sleepover. My wife and daughter were really pissed off when they found out. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote

05-30-2010, 12:32 PM	#66
ed335d Major General 140 Rep 6,912 Posts Drives: E92 M3 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Surrey, UK iTrader: (3)	There is a lot of debate over where the best place to punch an aggressive shark is. I personally reckon it's the sea. __________________ E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
	Appreciate 0 Quote