[beemerbird]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head."



Claude the Hypnotist:

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many Old Folks Homes in the district to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the hall, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique pocket watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for five or six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth; light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit', yelled the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home...

[ibanezking]

LAST NIGHT I WENT DOWN ON MY GIRLFRIENDS MUM & GOT MY TONGUE STUCK IN HER GENITAL PIERCING,TALK ABOUT PANIC!!!!! I WAS IN A RIGHT OLD FLAP ........

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by ibanezking

LAST NIGHT I WENT DOWN ON MY GIRLFRIENDS MUM & GOT MY TONGUE STUCK IN HER GENITAL PIERCING,TALK ABOUT PANIC!!!!! I WAS IN A RIGHT OLD FLAP ........

[ed335d]

14% of children have ADHD
it used to just be called AD but they decided to upgrade

[Dr Dave]

LOL that's terrible!!!!!

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by ibanezking

LAST NIGHT I WENT DOWN ON MY GIRLFRIENDS MUM & GOT MY TONGUE STUCK IN HER GENITAL PIERCING,TALK ABOUT PANIC!!!!! I WAS IN A RIGHT OLD FLAP ........

Dear oh Dear!!!!!!!! Very good though!!!!!

[ed335d]

You want terrible?

I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

"It's a migraine," he explained.

"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

[E92Fan]

Originally Posted by ed335d

You want terrible?

I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

"It's a migraine," he explained.

"No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

That's fecking awful Eddie


Did you hear that the Queen has decided on Fergie's Christmas present this year? It's a black Mercedes and a trip to Paris

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by E92Fan

That's fecking awful Eddie


Did you hear that the Queen has decided on Fergie's Christmas present this year? It's a black Mercedes and a trip to Paris

Thanks Tone, and

I gave my wife a huge orgasm last night...
Ungrateful bitch...she spat it all out

[E92Fan]

Originally Posted by ed335d

I gave my wife a huge orgasm last night...
Ungrateful bitch...she spat it all out

[ed335d]

I visited my pen-pal the other day, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex


Unfortunately the farmer has now got an injunction against me

[ed335d]

I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Womens FA Cup Final on?

I've already checked cooking and comedy...

[ed335d]

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."
I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."

[ed335d]

I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said "Store in a cool place."

So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.

[ed335d]

My wife caught me sticking her secret vibrator up my arse. When she came in, she asked me how I found it.

I said it was quite nice.

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by ed335d

I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Womens FA Cup Final on?

I've already checked cooking and comedy...

HAHA thats bloody good Ed if not a little brave of you!!!!

HAHA thats bloody good Ed if not a little brave of you!!!!

Originally Posted by ed335d

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."
I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."

LOL!!!!!

[ed335d]

Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction: 12 injured, 4 pasta way.

[ed335d]

Tensions between North Korea and South Korea are rising dramatically...

France has already surrendered.

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by ed335d

My wife caught me sticking her secret vibrator up my arse. When she came in, she asked me how I found it.

I said it was quite nice.

LOL that's pure class!!!!!

[ed335d]

My mate's got an unusual job.

He finds things before other people lose them.

[ed335d]

I walked into a shop and bought a bottle of baby oil, a pack of condoms, a bottle of value vodka and a pack of Haribo. The lady said, "Look, I'm sorry but I just can't serve you that, I'm calling the police."

I raged at her, "Just because I order these items, doesn't mean you have to jump to the worst conclusions!"

She calmly replied, "Actually, I'm afraid we do Mr Glitter."

[ed335d]

I've just been convicted of Beastiality.

Little harsh on my wife though I thought.