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12 Days Of Christmas
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12-14-2008, 02:05 PM | #1 |
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12 Days Of Christmas
December 14th
My Darling John I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes *** December 15th Dearest John Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes *** December 16th Dear John Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes *** December 17th John Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes *** December 18th Dearest John What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes *** December 19th John When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes *** December 20th Right John What's with you and those f***ing birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and the racket never stops. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......so, stop with the birds. Sincerely, Agnes *** December 21st OK Buster I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their Goddamned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. Ag *** December 22nd Hey bogbreath What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and have got in the house where they are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag *** December 23rd You bastard! Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies cause they are the roughest bunch of slappers you will ever see! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea and, having completely knackered the maids a milking, the pipers have now decided to try bestiality. My living room is a river of shit. The council has served me with a health and safety warning and have asked for reasons why the building shouldn't be condemned. The police will be calling on you. One who means it, Ag *** December 24th Listen fuckwit! What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead probably drowned in the river when trying to avoid the melee caused by the, so called, ladies being shagged by the lords a leaping, after they had dealt with the maids a milking (again) just for good measure! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten bastard. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister *** December 25th (From Johnson, Johnson & Johnson, Solicitors) Dear Sir This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. - Merry Christmas |
12-15-2008, 08:41 AM | #2 |
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12-15-2008, 10:23 AM | #3 |
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Me neither but I was expecting she'd bugger off with the postman
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12-15-2008, 10:27 AM | #4 |
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And the traditional version (my favourite christmas song!) On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Twelve drummers drumming, Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree!
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12-15-2008, 05:29 PM | #5 |
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Sorry, JonnieB, but I posted that in the main Off Topics, The Lighter Side subforum last Friday. Granted, your thread has more responses.
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