[chrisM6]

Originally Posted by ashamedtotell

Thanks for responses – honestly, some seemed dumb, some were insightful, but all were helpful because they shaped my perception of this situation and my decision. And here it is – I’m staying. Why? What happened seems like a perfect storm, a combination which is much bigger sum of its parts. Diminished attention to me and home was my fault (so that means I can fix it), and it happened before she met the guy, so it’s not really related. The move and my work made her lonely, and the guy was just opportunistic. Although I am pretty sure he has nothing to write home about – he was more like a girlfriend to her, and he really is not man enough for such a girl. We so many times laughed together on way tougher and smoother dudes trying to get her attention. And I did see and email where she told him to not be a sissy, go to a bar and get laid – not something you tell to a romantic friend or someone you are falling for…

Deleting emails – yes, that’s what hurts no matter how you put it. But she says she felt like it was a game, her little secret. She says she never saw it as a threat to our marriage – it was more like hiding cigarettes from her mom when she was a teenager – just making her life more exciting by pretending to do something dangerous. Actually, she is into secrets – a surprise cake, gift or a personal dance performance is something I got used to (probably too much). She never hid phone calls – I just did not count them. And yes, now I know exactly how many times they met (thanks, EZ Pass – she had no idea I can trace it, so I’m sure she did not tamper with it) and it was only during her regular gym hours and in the gym. And yes, I found pubes and yellow spots on my toilet – guess I need to clean better after MYSELF.

So really what happened? She replaced two dozens of her friends with one, which happened to be a guy, so he ended up getting a lot of her attention. He called her pet names (she did not return “the favor”) and probably even hoped for something some day, but I’m pretty sure he did not have courage to act on it and even if he did nothing would have happened. For Pete’s sake, I know her so many years, and her hiding emails does not change who she is. And all I know tells me she’d never let him too close even if I did not exist. She likes strong and powerful men, those who can fight for her, not sneak into a marriage and steal and weep about how lonely they are. Even if he had more on his mind, I do not think he ever had a chance. And after I talked to her what happened to him – he’s gone, without even an explanation, and she spend the whole night sitting by MY bed going out of her mind and hating herself. And now she is waiting for ME at my (actually, our) place with a bottle of my favorite wine…

I won her once before, and I do not mind having to do that over and over again till I get old and my teeth fall out. This time I cheated – I used the “husband” card, but if I had to do it over again I would just sweep her off her feet again and make her just not need anything else. A wedding ring is not an excuse for getting fat and lazy – she gave her vows to a fighter, so it’s reasonable that she expects me to stay that way.

Responding to some comments here – I did say that she is a good wife and that I love her very much. That’s why I was so upset, actually, and that’s why I’m staying – she is worth the effort, and not because of looks or smarts, but because how happy she used to make me. Even when I felt little less attention from her, it was still more than 90% of men will ever get from their wives – how many have a book of poems written about them, a CD of songs recorded (its sounds awful, alright, but makes me smile to my ears), and a few portraits? And that’s just the little things – she’d drive at night in a blizzard to buy a gift for my mom so that my mom would think I am a good son, even without me asking or giving her the credit (cause I need all the credit I can get – I see my parents less than once a year).

So, I thought about it – what happened? Not that much, actually - only the damage to my trust is something that would not be gone after a good night together. She is still the same best girl I know and the one who makes me so happy I do not give a damn even if I lose everything else I have and my right hand as well. So I stay and work hard – what I have to lose anyway? If she does that again it will not hurt, cause I’ll be more prepared and tougher. But most probably we’ll just be happier together having learnt this lesson. I cheated and have been cheated on before (not in this relationship), and got caught twice and it always was different – even when I felt remorse for cheating on someone I did not really have the guts to try and fix it, just hid my eyes down and walked away. She’s going out of her mind about how she did not see she was hurting me and how she want to fix it.

So here we are… I will archive all emails and phone bills, and put the away and FORGET about all this as much as I can. I will put off having a kid, although it would be nice, I do not feel ready now. I will NOT try to protect my assets cause I do not need them without a family – actually, I never tried to protect them so that no one could say my wife is with me for security (that’s what people say when you marry an ex-dancer). And I will go to marriage counseling because I want to make sure the effort I am putting into making this work gives the best possible return (yes, I am achievement freak). I was the happiest person I know until last Saturday, and I fight for it staying that way.

As for being insecure about my relationship because of asking for advice on the Internet – that’s just funny. Only a fool would be “secure” after what I had to go through in the last two days. So, yes I’m insecure and I use all tools available to me to fix that. Also, Internet is how people get most of the info now – you just need to filter out good and bad info (which is coincidentally my job).

And unless I resurrect this thread and this alias within the next 2-3 years, it means everything worked out. </sobbing> Now back to my normal self…

best of luck man noone should have to go through this. and if it happens againn. give her the boot! This thread should be a sticky lol jk

[BMWdmk]

your years of earning money should be protected
since the years you have known your wife is being questioned

was there prenuptial agreement?

[UncleWede]

"You may say he's a dreamer, but he's not the only one. We hope one day you'll join us, . . . "

Originally Posted by UncleWede

"You may say he's a dreamer, but he's not the only one. We hope one day you'll join us, . . . "

Do I sound that naive? Anyway, I made the decision, and once you start pushing the flywheel in one direction you should not change it untill you see some results or you'll never get anywhere. My mother always says I need to wear a protective helmet at all times, because of the risks I take, but hell with it - upside is worth it.

[bartman32]

Originally Posted by ashamedtotell

Thanks for responses – honestly, some seemed dumb, some were insightful, but all were helpful because they shaped my perception of this situation and my decision. And here it is – I’m staying. Why? What happened seems like a perfect storm, a combination which is much bigger sum of its parts. Diminished attention to me and home was my fault (so that means I can fix it), and it happened before she met the guy, so it’s not really related. The move and my work made her lonely, and the guy was just opportunistic. Although I am pretty sure he has nothing to write home about – he was more like a girlfriend to her, and he really is not man enough for such a girl. We so many times laughed together on way tougher and smoother dudes trying to get her attention. And I did see and email where she told him to not be a sissy, go to a bar and get laid – not something you tell to a romantic friend or someone you are falling for…

Deleting emails – yes, that’s what hurts no matter how you put it. But she says she felt like it was a game, her little secret. She says she never saw it as a threat to our marriage – it was more like hiding cigarettes from her mom when she was a teenager – just making her life more exciting by pretending to do something dangerous. Actually, she is into secrets – a surprise cake, gift or a personal dance performance is something I got used to (probably too much). She never hid phone calls – I just did not count them. And yes, now I know exactly how many times they met (thanks, EZ Pass – she had no idea I can trace it, so I’m sure she did not tamper with it) and it was only during her regular gym hours and in the gym. And yes, I found pubes and yellow spots on my toilet – guess I need to clean better after MYSELF.

So really what happened? She replaced two dozens of her friends with one, which happened to be a guy, so he ended up getting a lot of her attention. He called her pet names (she did not return “the favor”) and probably even hoped for something some day, but I’m pretty sure he did not have courage to act on it and even if he did nothing would have happened. For Pete’s sake, I know her so many years, and her hiding emails does not change who she is. And all I know tells me she’d never let him too close even if I did not exist. She likes strong and powerful men, those who can fight for her, not sneak into a marriage and steal and weep about how lonely they are. Even if he had more on his mind, I do not think he ever had a chance. And after I talked to her what happened to him – he’s gone, without even an explanation, and she spend the whole night sitting by MY bed going out of her mind and hating herself. And now she is waiting for ME at my (actually, our) place with a bottle of my favorite wine…

I won her once before, and I do not mind having to do that over and over again till I get old and my teeth fall out. This time I cheated – I used the “husband” card, but if I had to do it over again I would just sweep her off her feet again and make her just not need anything else. A wedding ring is not an excuse for getting fat and lazy – she gave her vows to a fighter, so it’s reasonable that she expects me to stay that way.

Responding to some comments here – I did say that she is a good wife and that I love her very much. That’s why I was so upset, actually, and that’s why I’m staying – she is worth the effort, and not because of looks or smarts, but because how happy she used to make me. Even when I felt little less attention from her, it was still more than 90% of men will ever get from their wives – how many have a book of poems written about them, a CD of songs recorded (its sounds awful, alright, but makes me smile to my ears), and a few portraits? And that’s just the little things – she’d drive at night in a blizzard to buy a gift for my mom (my parents accepted her once they saw her - initial reaction was just because she was a dancer) so that my mom would think I am a good son, even without me asking or giving her the credit (cause I need all the credit I can get – I see my parents less than once a year).

So, I thought about it – what happened? Not that much, actually - only the damage to my trust is something that would not be gone after a good night together. She is still the same best girl I know and the one who makes me so happy I do not give a damn even if I lose everything else I have and my right hand as well. So I stay and work hard – what I have to lose anyway? If she does that again it will not hurt, cause I’ll be more prepared and tougher. But most probably we’ll just be happier together having learnt this lesson. I cheated and have been cheated on before (not in this relationship), and got caught twice and it always was different – even when I felt remorse for cheating on someone I did not really have the guts to try and fix it, just hid my eyes down and walked away. She’s going out of her mind about how she did not see she was hurting me and how she want to fix it.

So here we are… I will archive all emails and phone bills, and put the away and FORGET about all this as much as I can. I will put off having a kid, although it would be nice, I do not feel ready now. I will NOT try to protect my assets cause I do not need them without a family – actually, I never tried to protect them so that no one could say my wife is with me for security (that’s what people say when you marry an ex-dancer). And I will go to marriage counseling because I want to make sure the effort I am putting into making this work gives the best possible return (yes, I am achievement freak). I was the happiest person I know until last Saturday, and I fight for it staying that way.

As for being insecure about my relationship because of asking for advice on the Internet – that’s just funny. Only a fool would be “secure” after what I had to go through in the last two days. So, yes I’m insecure and I use all tools available to me to fix that. Also, Internet is how people get most of the info now – you just need to filter out good and bad info (which is coincidentally my job).

And unless I resurrect this thread and this alias within the next 2-3 years, it means everything worked out. </sobbing> Now back to my normal self…

Oh, almost forgot - one thing that swayed me is that people say if you want to know how your wife will look in the future, look at her mother. I've seen numerous proofs of that, from both physical and moral standpoints, and I beleive that. My wife grew up in a model family - college sweethearts married and still together for 40 years. Three kids, all smart, beautiful and not psycos. I would not mind the same thing...

Congrats man!!! You have decided to stick it out! That's the hard road but probably the one that will be the most fulfilling!

Best of luck to you!

[Kev]

Originally Posted by ashamedtotell

Thanks for responses – honestly, some seemed dumb, some were insightful, but all were helpful because they shaped my perception of this situation and my decision. And here it is – I’m staying. Why? What happened seems like a perfect storm, a combination which is much bigger sum of its parts. Diminished attention to me and home was my fault (so that means I can fix it), and it happened before she met the guy, so it’s not really related. The move and my work made her lonely, and the guy was just opportunistic. Although I am pretty sure he has nothing to write home about – he was more like a girlfriend to her, and he really is not man enough for such a girl. We so many times laughed together on way tougher and smoother dudes trying to get her attention. And I did see and email where she told him to not be a sissy, go to a bar and get laid – not something you tell to a romantic friend or someone you are falling for…

Deleting emails – yes, that’s what hurts no matter how you put it. But she says she felt like it was a game, her little secret. She says she never saw it as a threat to our marriage – it was more like hiding cigarettes from her mom when she was a teenager – just making her life more exciting by pretending to do something dangerous. Actually, she is into secrets – a surprise cake, gift or a personal dance performance is something I got used to (probably too much). She never hid phone calls – I just did not count them. And yes, now I know exactly how many times they met (thanks, EZ Pass – she had no idea I can trace it, so I’m sure she did not tamper with it) and it was only during her regular gym hours and in the gym. And yes, I found pubes and yellow spots on my toilet – guess I need to clean better after MYSELF.

So really what happened? She replaced two dozens of her friends with one, which happened to be a guy, so he ended up getting a lot of her attention. He called her pet names (she did not return “the favor”) and probably even hoped for something some day, but I’m pretty sure he did not have courage to act on it and even if he did nothing would have happened. For Pete’s sake, I know her so many years, and her hiding emails does not change who she is. And all I know tells me she’d never let him too close even if I did not exist. She likes strong and powerful men, those who can fight for her, not sneak into a marriage and steal and weep about how lonely they are. Even if he had more on his mind, I do not think he ever had a chance. And after I talked to her what happened to him – he’s gone, without even an explanation, and she spend the whole night sitting by MY bed going out of her mind and hating herself. And now she is waiting for ME at my (actually, our) place with a bottle of my favorite wine…

I won her once before, and I do not mind having to do that over and over again till I get old and my teeth fall out. This time I cheated – I used the “husband” card, but if I had to do it over again I would just sweep her off her feet again and make her just not need anything else. A wedding ring is not an excuse for getting fat and lazy – she gave her vows to a fighter, so it’s reasonable that she expects me to stay that way.

Responding to some comments here – I did say that she is a good wife and that I love her very much. That’s why I was so upset, actually, and that’s why I’m staying – she is worth the effort, and not because of looks or smarts, but because how happy she used to make me. Even when I felt little less attention from her, it was still more than 90% of men will ever get from their wives – how many have a book of poems written about them, a CD of songs recorded (its sounds awful, alright, but makes me smile to my ears), and a few portraits? And that’s just the little things – she’d drive at night in a blizzard to buy a gift for my mom (my parents accepted her once they saw her - initial reaction was just because she was a dancer) so that my mom would think I am a good son, even without me asking or giving her the credit (cause I need all the credit I can get – I see my parents less than once a year).

So, I thought about it – what happened? Not that much, actually - only the damage to my trust is something that would not be gone after a good night together. She is still the same best girl I know and the one who makes me so happy I do not give a damn even if I lose everything else I have and my right hand as well. So I stay and work hard – what I have to lose anyway? If she does that again it will not hurt, cause I’ll be more prepared and tougher. But most probably we’ll just be happier together having learnt this lesson. I cheated and have been cheated on before (not in this relationship), and got caught twice and it always was different – even when I felt remorse for cheating on someone I did not really have the guts to try and fix it, just hid my eyes down and walked away. She’s going out of her mind about how she did not see she was hurting me and how she want to fix it.

So here we are… I will archive all emails and phone bills, and put the away and FORGET about all this as much as I can. I will put off having a kid, although it would be nice, I do not feel ready now. I will NOT try to protect my assets cause I do not need them without a family – actually, I never tried to protect them so that no one could say my wife is with me for security (that’s what people say when you marry an ex-dancer). And I will go to marriage counseling because I want to make sure the effort I am putting into making this work gives the best possible return (yes, I am achievement freak). I was the happiest person I know until last Saturday, and I fight for it staying that way.

As for being insecure about my relationship because of asking for advice on the Internet – that’s just funny. Only a fool would be “secure” after what I had to go through in the last two days. So, yes I’m insecure and I use all tools available to me to fix that. Also, Internet is how people get most of the info now – you just need to filter out good and bad info (which is coincidentally my job).

And unless I resurrect this thread and this alias within the next 2-3 years, it means everything worked out. </sobbing> Now back to my normal self…

Oh, almost forgot - one thing that swayed me is that people say if you want to know how your wife will look in the future, look at her mother. I've seen numerous proofs of that, from both physical and moral standpoints, and I beleive that. My wife grew up in a model family - college sweethearts married and still together for 40 years. Three kids, all smart, beautiful and not psycos. I would not mind the same thing...

Well, you've made a decision so stick with it and don't regret if anything happened in the future. Right now, it seems like you've made all the justifications for your wife's infidelity so there's really not much room to sway you one way or another. Good luck with this and come back if you need to.

I've been married for three and a half years and my wife and I dated for seven years before we got married. If this type of shit ever happened to me, I'd be the first one to walk out, but it's just me being me.

[BigDog]

cheating is not just a physical action... it is a mental action.... an emotional action.... what you should do? I can't really say... this is YOUR personal relationship hence your decision.... but for what its worth.... trust is a fragile thing....

[MCS]

to be brutally honest, I'm not too sure that everything that's been posted is the truth.

But that's what you get when posting/reading on a public message board.

The married part of me says bravo to your decision to stick it out and not let the "emotional friend" ruin a good thing. I've seen friends and family go through divorces and they are empty shells for a long time - Very painful

As a Howard Stern listener, I suggest you call a Abelow type marriage counselor to work things out. Their was a gap in the relationship to cause the need for the emotional friend. The calout as to being out of town/not enought together time may be a valid one, which in case, you should still plan for an intimate week/weekend away to patch things up, if at the very least, temoporarily.

Last suggestion, if either of the two of you have any doubt as to your relationship, I would most definitely hold of on having children. The infant and addition of a 3rd factor into a relationship definitely puts a strain on you and your wife. Lack of sleep will cause friction, esp if both of you have hot tempers.

[toofasttooslow]

Start tracking her and find out for sure....


accutracking.com

[tryangles]

I commend you on your decision man. Good luck on everything.It says alot that you truly don't give a sh-- about the material and believe that love will work it out. History has proved otherwise for many people, I hope it works out for you.

"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's. - Billy Wilder"

[djmatty]

Take her fishing.

[Neurorad]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

"You may say he's a dreamer, but he's not the only one. We hope one day you'll join us, . . . "

and the world will live as one

[TheLegacy]

That is a tough situation. As I am young and not married can't give you advice, but I just got out of a serious relationship. I was in Japan for the summer and she was hanging out with her ex. They been broken up for like a year and she claims that they are at the point in which they can be friends. That they were just hanging watching the game at his house, shit even spoke to me on the phone when with him and talks about me etc... Anyway i was like wtf and always ensured me nothing happened... still dont know

anyway in time I did what you did snooping, and I'm damn good at it. A computer tech and Intel, a combo she doubted to much. Found some shady shit but no evidance but that we were going south... Anyway to sum it up we broke up.

HOWEVER if I could work at it, I would because she meant a lot to me. We broke up once before when I was overseas and she dated someone else, I won her back... So I know the drill and it was a fucked up deal but I loved her and I would do what it takes... Trust takes time and work

so what I'm saying is its your call on how you feel and how much you love her. You two need help and work on it, so its not the end. But it wont be easy and it is kinda fucked

pick your path

*shrugs* bitches, I was saving for a ring for that girl 2

[Year's_End]

Originally Posted by derek0480

It's a tough situation you are in...but coming from a person who has been married for just over 2 years. It's cheating. Blatently cheating.

If you do not decide to end it then the best advice I can give you is to begin slowly hiding your money into accounts untouchable by divorce. (Yes there are lots of them out there.)

You can thank me later when her greedy lawyer only gets her 1/2 of what you didn't hide...not 1/2 of what you are worth.

Either way good luck man.

Brilliant advice.

[rambino]

Well Ashamed, I pride myself at understanding people.. Here is my take..

Your wife is an Ex Dancer (Stripper) used to attention from guys, doesnt see anything with expressing herself sexually or letting guys dangle on the string for her in the past.

Now she is married, and where you expect a faithful relationship, she still has some mental baggage. Granted to this point she has been good to you, but in this case, she was getting bored, someone else sparked her interest and she gave in.

Girls can be soo stupid, enticed into doing untrustworthy cold hearted things, at least ur wife is somewhat remorseful, i know many that would still think nothing happened.. You have to come with terms that your wife can still be dumb and that your the smart logic one in the relationship.

Confronting her was very good, and sticking with her is also good but realise she wants attention and is used to flirting from her previous days so she fell back..

Here is my list of suggestions on how to fix.

A. keep the punishment short, you let her know, shes remorseful, now be the Bigger man and Show her a stronger frame that that other guy. Be the winner she married, so she buys back into it..

B. Marriage counseling is good, but like i said try not to make a super big deal out of it, goes back to keeping the punishment short.. You caught her, slapped her on the wrist, now give her the opportunity to make up for it. If you play your cards right and over and out do the competitor she may even fall deeper into love with you than before. You need to demonstrate Higher Value than that guy and shell be in ur arms again very quick. Over doing the punishment, or making a bigger deal out of it, or acting really hurt for a while is demonstrating lower value, this may in fact push her away or make her reconsider her attachment to you..

She fuked up thats for sure, you slapped her on the wrist, now prove ur 10x the man that guy is and make her fall even harder for you.. Always keep your guard up though, dont give her your string/trust back so quickly, or she will walk on you again. Slowly give it back. You must show her you dissaprove of her actions and she must earn you back just make sure u take the opportunities when she presents them.. Keep a strong frame and be the Man in the relationship with the Control.

As for kids, when you both do get close nit with each other again and things do start going well, Maybe a kid is a good idea actually.. It does secure her with you into a Family, it also gives her an Out and another Focus for her time and something else to do, it also makes her less wanted by other guys.. When you do get back solid with her, the kid thing may help in the long run her maternal instincts come out, she will become a different kind of woman and maintaining a strong frame and control with her will be much easier. Just make sure ur not on rocky waters when you do go this route..

Wish you the best!

[houston06]

The testosterone in me would print out some of her emails and her call logs and without telling anyone confront the guy with it (in a non drama way) and ask him what the extent of the relationship was. Don't threaten him because he will probably puss out and lie to you, so tell him that you want to know if you married a cheater and that you don't hold him responsible. He may tell you exactly what happened, and it may shock you, or it may confirm what your wife was telling you all along. If you feel he is blatantly lying to you, threaten to forward the letters on to his wife if he doesn't come clean with all of the details."

A lie is a lie, I think you love her a lot so you want to rationalize and make excuses for her, but in 3rd person you know the right thing, but emotions will get in teh way and all that time spent you think tis a waste...hopefully you can think clearly on this, and raising a child is this the woman,morals,values you wanted reflected..take time and thought before yall go for that next fall...all in all, its an unfortunate situation

[mpimping]

polygraph test her and take it from there. Just don't do anything stupid like OJ...

[A_COUNA]

Good luck. You'll need it.

[ToothDoc]

Poly-graph! Poly-graph! Poly-graph! Nah, give her a chance. If she makes the same mistake again, leave her. Now, she'll have to forgive you next time you go to Vegas...

[mpimping]

move to saudi arabia. I think this guy is making up this story but there is something to it...

[L~R~G nor cal]

Can anyone say mailbride?? lol

[NaTuReB0Y]

i would usually asked for a "cliff notes".....but i actually read post #1

the best advice my best friend gave me was....."once the milk turns sour.....there's no going back."

so, unless you can turn sour milk to drinkable milk........it's pretty much over.

and my friend was so right..............good luck.