[ed335d]

Sometimes I go up the stairs and when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for.

So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

[ed335d]

News just in, "HOSPITAL STAFF WORRIED ABOUT CUTS".
Well I hope no-one with a broken leg gets admitted, there'll be total panic.

[ed335d]

How does Stephen Hawking close his windows?

Alt + F4

[ed335d]

BBC News: Ships recreate Dunkirk journey for 70th anniversary.

In other news, France surrenders as a large fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk.

[ed335d]

First my wife said she'd lost her lipstick, then she couldn't find her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher.

I wish she'd mind her fucking makeup.

[ed335d]

I travelled over to Iceland by car ferry last week.

When I arrived the Sat Nav said "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'."

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by ed335d

Sometimes I go up the stairs and when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for.

So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

fack me Ed, you're on a roll mate!!!!!!

[ed335d]

How many paedophiles can you fit in my Mini?

Just me. The other seats are for the kids.

[ed335d]

After years of threatening to leave, last night my wife finally broke my heart.

She's staying.

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by Dr Dave

fack me Ed, you're on a roll mate!!!!!!

Said we'd take care of you

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.
She loved me wrong time.

[ed335d]

My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.

Pierre Pressure.

[ed335d]

It's at least 27C outside and I was just walking through the park, when I noticed two guys giving a girl a good seeing to behind a bush.

I thought to myself, 'They must be roasting.'

[ed335d]

I saw a picture on the internet yesterday which showed a woman carrying crates of beer for a man, the caption was:

"Wife - Because the beer weighs too much."

I couldn't help but think shouldn't it be the other way around?

[ed335d]

When I was checking in at the airport to go on holiday with the wife, the girl behind the desk asked, "Did you pack all your own bags sir?"

"Do I look like I've got tits?"

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by ed335d

I saw a picture on the internet yesterday which showed a woman carrying crates of beer for a man, the caption was:

"Wife - Because the beer weighs too much."

I couldn't help but think shouldn't it be the other way around?

hahaha fack me someone put Ed out, he's on FIRE!!!!!!!!

[ed335d]

I can't believe it. I'm devastated. This is going to be a disaster for everybody. My wife has got the dreaded C word.


Yes. She's got a car.

[ed335d]

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my mate.

He said, "I don't follow you."

[E92Fan]

Three tampons walking down the street, small, regular and large. Which one says "Hello" first?

None... they're all stuck up c***s

[ed335d]

My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

I'm an undertaker.

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by E92Fan

Three tampons walking down the street, small, regular and large. Which one says "Hello" first?

None... they're all stuck up c***s

I was at the observatory the other day.
The astronomer said to me, "Look at this massive star!"
I replied, "Actually, that's a cluster of stars, if it's any constellation."

[ed335d]

Why is the symbol of Christianity a cross?

Because it's wrong.

[ed335d]

In bed with the wife last night and I just couldn't get a hard on.
She just pointed and laughed, childishly.

Which solved my problem admirably.