[ed335d]

So you don't actually want me to explain to you the meaning of the word masturbation?

Ok. Please yourself.

[ed335d]

Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political correctness.

"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss," he replies.

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," says the Teacher.

"It's not the answer the fucking country was looking for either."

[ed335d]

I'm a masochist, and I like to cut myself.

So I don't.

[zltm089]

bloody hell..its comedy nite!....with Ed!...

[ed335d]

This bloke in the sauna keeps telling everyone to get out?

Talk about selfish steam issues!

[ed335d]

My wife has said she's had a titful and intends leaving me on the weekend.
I've begged and pleaded but she's adamant she's not going before then...

[ed335d]

My friend asked me if I was bulimic the other day.

I nearly choked on my finger...

[AlanQS]

"A purveyor of groaning puns deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest."

Where's that wood?...

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by AlanQS

"A purveyor of groaning puns deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest."

Where's that wood?...

Works better with 'pratical joker', but I'm not sure I deserve to be beaten with a stick just for a low level of comedic value, when it's quite apparent that my objective was for quantity rather than quality.

[AlanQS]

I'm sure Captain Sheffield wouldn't mind a slight alteration to his quotation and unchanged,it wouldn't have adequately covered the groan inducing items that lurk within your prolific outpourings.

[Teutonicdriver]

I found my uncle Paddy in his kitchen last night, blood pouring from his ears and both legs badly scalded. I asked what had happened and he told me he had been cooking a Heinz sponge pudding. Instructions on the tin read; "Pierce Here and stand in boiling water for ten minutes".

[E902717]

Men: Single handedly keeping Kleenex in business since 1876.

[E902717]

Israel: Bringing machine guns to knife fights since 1948.

[E902717]

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

[E902717]

These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my fucking wallet was gone.

[E902717]

For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.

[E902717]

The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

[E902717]

It's amazing how long people can hold a grudge for. I had my school reunion last night.

Most of them still haven't forgiven me for the gun massacre.

[E902717]

Stephen Hawking has said that he will 'give his body for scientific research' when he dies.

I can't help but think with that machine he'd get a much better deal on webuyanycar.com.

[E902717]

Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command.

[E902717]

I was working at my local polling station last night and had to turn a lot of people away...

Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote.

[E902717]

My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."

I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia."