[ed335d]

After a long day at the office, doing the shopping and picking up the kids, I called my wife, "Super Woman".

"Aww, thanks love," she replied.

To which I said, "Sorry a slip of the tongue, I meant Supper, Woman."

[ed335d]

My friend got caught having sex with a dwarf.

Dopey fucker.

[ed335d]

Whats Brown and sticky?

Alistair Darling's wet dream.

[ed335d]

My wife said to me, "I wish I had a pound for everytime that you are nasty to me."

I replied, "Looking at the size of your arse, I think your wish has already come true."

[ed335d]

The wife came home and announced, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" I asked.

"I'm leaving you," she said.

"Are you deaf, as well as fat?" I said, "I wanted the bad news."

[ed335d]

My wife yesterday accused me of being a pervert!

I nearly choked on my gimp ball and dropped my cup of shit

[ed335d]

I've just finished my anti-homophobia course.

I'm being entered for the exam.

[ed335d]

My doctor has just prescribed me a dose of anti-depressants...

...which I'm not happy about

[ed335d]

I was being chatted up in a bar in Bangkok recently and she said, "Take me back to your hotel and I'll show you how I put on a condom using only my mouth."

I said, "You'll put a condom on my cock using only your mouth?"

She said, "I guess I can do yours as well."

[E92Fan]

I've renamed the title of this thread

[ed335d]

My wife and I are going out with some of her friends tonight and I have to say, I'm so excited that I can hardly contain my sarcasm.

[ed335d]

Originally Posted by E92Fan

I've renamed the title of this thread

Thanks Tone!

I broke up with my girlfriend last night. Crying her eyes out, mascara streamed down her face as she buried her head in my chest.

It was devastating.

I had my favourite white shirt on.

[ed335d]

My wife caught me in bed with my mistress yesterday.

I protested, "Look, she means nothing to me."

Thankfully, my mistress believed me.

[ed335d]

I got lucky yesterday and ended up having a one night stand with a woman I met at the 80s night at my local nightclub.

It cost me a fucking fortune in lubricant though, and I broke her hip replacement.

[ed335d]

Nobody uses bee's wax on their furniture anymore.
Another job taken by the Polish.

[ed335d]

I asked my South African mate if he had a grudge.
He said, "Yes ...

... it's where I keep my car."

[ed335d]

My wife's running in a 'race for life' today.
It's 10 miles and I've hid her inhaler.

[ed335d]

I found myself in no-man's land earlier.

Or "the kitchen", as it's otherwise known.

[ed335d]

Why do women have fewer accidents on the road than men?

Because they spend half their time driving on the pavement

[ed335d]

My wife died suddenly of a heart attack at the bottom of our stairs.
My mates all said I would have trouble getting over it but I've found that, if I put one hand on the bannister and one on the wall......

[ed335d]

My wife recently discovered I was dyslexic when I ejaculated on her cafe.

[Walesy]

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"
We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit."
I said "Im ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"