E90Post
 


GTB Performance
 
BMW 3-Series (E90 E92) Forum > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board > Joke Thread



Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      03-21-2006, 06:00 PM   #1
timzerofive
there is no spoon
timzerofive's Avatar
38
Rep
866
Posts

 
Drives: 330i manual
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Irvine

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2006 330i  [0.00]
Joke Thread

from Maxxim...

A blonde decided to go ice fishing. She got all her equipment and went fishing on a frozen lake. She dug a hole on the ice and put her line in. A booming voice came from the sky and said "There's no fish under that ice." So the blonde moved her gear 20 ft to the right and dug a hole again...the voice came from the sky again and said "There's no fish under that ice." The blonde moved her stuff another 20 ft and dug another hole. Again the voice from the sky told her there's no fish. The blonde looks up in the sky and asked "Is that you god?" The voice said "No, I'm the ice rink manager."

Couple more old ones.

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and said to the doctor "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. It hurts really bad when I touch my forehead, my nose, my chin, my belly, my knee, and my toes!!" The doctor checked her all over and the blonde asks "Doctor, what is wrong?" The doctor said "Um miss, your finger is broken."

A blonde is sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office listening to her walkman. When called into the examination room and asked to change, she still kept listening to her walkman refusing to take it off. When the doctor came in for the examination, he asked her to remove to the walkman, but the blonde refused. The blonde said "I can't, I'm listening to the secret of life, if I take it off, I'll die!" The doctor reassures her she won't die, and he would know as he's the doctor. The blonde reluctantly removed the headphone, and within a minute, fell over and died. Shocked at what just happened, the doctor picked up the headphone to see what's this secret of life tape she's listening to. From the headphone he hears... breath in, breath out, breath in....
__________________
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 06:05 PM   #2
Squawks
One of my two dachshunds:
Squawks's Avatar
United_States
15
Rep
663
Posts

 
Drives: B6 A4 3.0 Quattro
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ithaca, NY

iTrader: (0)

Send a message via AIM to Squawks
Hahah, nice! But, continuing with tzf's campaign of hate against blondes:

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.

The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.

The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ." ZAP!
__________________
I'm sorry about my outlandish behavior - there's too much blood in my alcohol system.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 06:07 PM   #3
shimshimhada
Brigadier General
shimshimhada's Avatar
United_States
87
Rep
4,839
Posts

 
Drives: Portal
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portal

iTrader: (2)

A blonde eats a banana...
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 06:37 PM   #4
bavarian19
General
bavarian19's Avatar
United_States
235
Rep
18,815
Posts

 
Drives: Car
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: VA

iTrader: (23)

What did the Pirate order as an appetizer???

























arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtichoke dip
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 06:39 PM   #5
shimshimhada
Brigadier General
shimshimhada's Avatar
United_States
87
Rep
4,839
Posts

 
Drives: Portal
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portal

iTrader: (2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by bavarian19
What did the Pirate order as an appetizer???

























arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtichoke dip
Quote:
Originally Posted by shimshimhada
You're just getting old.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 06:42 PM   #6
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

So a blonde went horseback riding. She was a beginner and couldnt handle the horse. Her feet were stuck in the reign and she was tipping over. She couldnt get up or regain control of the horse. She thought she was going to die. Just then the Wal-Mart manager walked over and unhooked the wire.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 07:25 PM   #7
BiggieJ
Second Lieutenant
8
Rep
239
Posts

 
Drives: e92 335 ZSPZPPOPP
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: SoCal

iTrader: (0)

a blond, a redhead, and a brunette were all involved in a police chase. its was dark and the three ladies pull up to a barn to look for a hiding spot. they all deiced itll be better if they split up so they ran in different directions. the redhead comes up to a pig pen where she decides to hide amongst the pigs. the brunette sees a heard of cattle and hides amongst them. the blond sees a hugh stack of potatos so she grabs an empty potato sack and jumps in. the cops pull up a few minutes later and with a flashlight went to look around. he comes up on the pig pen and yells "anyone in there?" the redhead replies with a "onik, oink." so the cops says "hmm. okay.." and moves on. he comes up on the heard of cattle. "anyone in there?" and the brunette replies"moooo" so the cop moves on. then the cop somes upon the hugh stack of potatos. he searches and yells "anyone in there?" so the blond listening to the others yells out "potato."
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 07:34 PM   #8
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

This blonde chick couldnt be satisfied so she went to the voodoo lady and got a magical dildo. Whenever she wants it to do her all she needs to say is "voodoo dick..." and then where she wants it. So she tried it and after she was satisfied, she couldnt stop it. She tried throwing it and hittin it but it wouldnt stop. She ran around the house and it chased her. She finally got in the car and sped off. It was still chasing after her. THen she got pulled over and the cop asked why she was speeding and she said "there's a voodoo dick chasing after me. It wouldnt stop!". THe cop said "voodoo dick my ass!" and BAM!!!
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:08 PM   #9
timzerofive
there is no spoon
timzerofive's Avatar
38
Rep
866
Posts

 
Drives: 330i manual
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Irvine

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2006 330i  [0.00]
You told that joke wrong, the original version goes like this...

There's a business man who has a really hot wife that has a strong sex drive. She needs it at least a couple of times a day and he can barely keep up with her. One day at work, he finds out that he needs to leave town for a week for business. He thought to himself that surely without him there for a week, his wife wouldn't be able to control herself and will go out and f*ck another man.

To keep this from happening, he stopped by an adult toystore on his way home from work. He told the store clerk his dilemma and the clerk brought out a bunch of sex toys. The man said "No no, these won't do, she has all these toys already. Don't you have anything else??" Feeling sorry for him, the clerk motioned for the man to follow him to the back of the store. He opened up a small store and showed the man a shrine with a box sitting in front of it. He opened up the gox and pulled out a dildo. The man said "I told you, she already has many of those toys!" The clerk said "No sir, you don't understand, this is a special dildo. This dildo has a voodoo spell on it. Let me show you."

The clerk set the box and the dildo on the table, and shouted, "Voodoo dick, the chair!" The dildo magically floated up, flew towards the chair and started banging hard & fast against it over and over until it broke the chair. The clerk then shouted "Voodoo dick, stop," then said to the man "You must remember, before every command, you must say 'Voodoo dick', thats the only wait it will obey you. Don't forget, or the consequences are unthinkable!" The man wanted to try it out so he said "Voodoo dick, the wall!" The dildo started banging the wall until there was a giant hole on the wall. He then shouted "Voodoo dick, stop!" The dildo flew back into the box. The man happily paid the clerk and drove home.

When he got home, he told his about his trip and told her he had a surprise for her. He showed her the magic dildo and shouted "Voodoo dick, the door!" His wife's eyes widened and her jaws dropped as the dildo banged a giant hole into the door before her husband shouted again "Voodoo dick, stop!" He told her, you must say voodoo dick for it to understand you command, but be very careful with it and don't use it unless its absolutely necessary. The next morning the man left for his trip, and in no time his wife was feeling the urge. She tried to hold off as long as she could on looking at the voodoo dick, but finally she decided to take it out. She shouted "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The dildo slammed into her and started banging her over and over again. She was having so many orgasms that she passed out, and when she woke up the dildo was still going at it.

Finally she couldn't cum anymore and shouted "Stop stop, I can't take it anymore!" Because she's in her state of extacy, she forgot all about the command of voodoo dick. Panicking, she wrapped a trench coat around herself and jumped into a car to drive to the hospital. Along the way, she kept cumming, and so her car was swerving all over the road. A cop saw this and pulled her over to the side. As the cop walks to her car, the woman started explaining the whole situation to him. Not believing a word she said, the cop shouted "Ya right! Voodoo dick my ass!"
__________________
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:11 PM   #10
shimshimhada
Brigadier General
shimshimhada's Avatar
United_States
87
Rep
4,839
Posts

 
Drives: Portal
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portal

iTrader: (2)

So there was this kid, he was in the 6th grade, and started doing poorly in school. Desparate, his dad offers to buy him anything he wants, as long as he gets good grades. The kid figures, ok. So he gets straight As that year. The father Honours his word, and offers to buy him whatever he wants. The son says, he wants 1 pink ping pong ball. Kind of a strange request ponders the father, but regardless, he gets it for him.

In 7th grade, the Father offers his son the exact same deal, get good grades, and anything you want is yours (his dad is super wealthy, think Bill Gates). So the son gets straight A's again. Again the father asks him what he would like. This time, the kid wants 2 pink ping pong balls. At this point the father is a bit wierded out, but whatever, as long as the kid is succeeding.

Same deal in the 8th grade. As long as he has good grades, he gets whatever he wants. And again the kid gets straight A's. And once again the father informs him that he will get him ANYTHIGN he wants, anything in the world. The kid requests, a pack (containing 3) pink ping pong balls. Somewhat distraught by this request but nevertheless, the father gets his son what he wants.

High school comes around, the father figures, his son will be exposed to more people now, maybe his hormones will be raging, and he might take interest in girls etc. 9th grade, kid gets straight A's, and again the father offers him ANYTHING at all. The kid asks for 2 packs of 3 pink ping pong balls each. At this point the dad is thinking his son is out of his fucking mind, but if all the kid wants are pink ping pong balls, then wtf, its cheap. So he gets it for him.

10th grade, same deal. Kid gets straight A's, and again the father asks his son what he wants as a reward. This time he begs his son, telling him he will get him ANYTHING at ALL, just no more pink ping pong balls, the son asks for a garbage bag of pink ping pong balls. But what can he do? He promised him anything he wanted, and this is what he wants, so he got it for him.

11th Grade. Again the kid gets straight A's, and AGAIN the father offers him anything he wants as reward, and this time the kid asks for 2 garbage bags full of pink ping pong balls. The father gets it for him, not much he can do, at least its keeping him motivated.

12th Grade, again same thing, straight A student, graduating Valedictorian, father offers him anything in the world, and the kid asks, for a garbage truck full of pink ping pong balls.

So the kid goes off to med school. On his first year there, he got aids and died.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:15 PM   #11
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

Time zerofive- Which would you rather read? The shorter version or the long one??? LOL it's the same punch line. I heard it from this guy at work. Im retelling it the exact way he told it to me.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:19 PM   #12
NaTuReB0Y
Powered By 36DD
NaTuReB0Y's Avatar
United_States
121
Rep
7,381
Posts

 
Drives: 2006 E90
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Inland Empire

iTrader: (12)

yo mama so dumb........she got stabbed during a drive-by shooting!
__________________
2006 E90 330i Jet Black | 20" WORK VS-XX | FK452 | H&R Sport on Koni Yellow | REMUS QUAD
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:19 PM   #13
shimshimhada
Brigadier General
shimshimhada's Avatar
United_States
87
Rep
4,839
Posts

 
Drives: Portal
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portal

iTrader: (2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by NaTuReB0Y
yo mama so dumb........she got stabbed during a drive-by shooting!
No, she's just Italian.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:23 PM   #14
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

yo mama so dumb she failed her blood test.

Yo mama so dumb she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:25 PM   #15
NaTuReB0Y
Powered By 36DD
NaTuReB0Y's Avatar
United_States
121
Rep
7,381
Posts

 
Drives: 2006 E90
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Inland Empire

iTrader: (12)

yo mama so old.......her ss# is 000-00-0001
__________________
2006 E90 330i Jet Black | 20" WORK VS-XX | FK452 | H&R Sport on Koni Yellow | REMUS QUAD
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:35 PM   #16
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

yo mama so old she sat next to Jesus Christ in the 3rd grade.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:35 PM   #17
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

yo mama so dumb she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:41 PM   #18
timzerofive
there is no spoon
timzerofive's Avatar
38
Rep
866
Posts

 
Drives: 330i manual
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Irvine

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2006 330i  [0.00]
Yo momma’s so fat, when she ran outside in a yellow dress all the kids started running after her cause they thought they missed the bus.
__________________
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:45 PM   #19
BMW F22
Major General
BMW F22's Avatar
United_States
216
Rep
8,405
Posts

 
Drives: ///M235i
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Around the Bay

iTrader: (8)

^ hahaha I never heard that one before.

Yo mama so fat when she jumps, she gets stuck. LOL
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 08:55 PM   #20
shadye90
Captain
shadye90's Avatar
19
Rep
928
Posts

 
Drives: BMW Fanatic
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: NYC

iTrader: (1)

Garage List
ya momma's so fat people go bungee jumpin wit the elastic from her underwear

ya mommas so broke if someone robbed her they'd be practicing

ya mommas so old she got jesus's beeper #

ya mommas teeth so yellow when she smiles her teeth sing "I got sunshine...."

ya mommas teeth so yellow she spits butter

ya mommas so broke i saw her down the street kickin a can, i asked her whatcha doin she said "movin"

ya mommas so broke she puts a milkshake on layaway at Mc'donalds

Ya mommas so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped everybody

Thats all I can remember now..Damn..Back in Jr High I used to have a million of those...
__________________

1988 E30 M3
Diamantschwartz/Black
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 09:12 PM   #21
Nicholas
Second Lieutenant
Canada
4
Rep
220
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: TO

iTrader: (0)

One day, Snow White was taking a walk in the forrest when she saw Pinocchio in a distance. She immediately ran up to Pinocchio, sat on his face and said, "Tell a lie, tell a lie!!! Now tell the truth!! The truth!! Now a lie!!...."
__________________
Nicholas
Appreciate 0
      03-21-2006, 09:12 PM   #22
NaTuReB0Y
Powered By 36DD
NaTuReB0Y's Avatar
United_States
121
Rep
7,381
Posts

 
Drives: 2006 E90
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Inland Empire

iTrader: (12)

yo mama so dumb....she fell in love and broke it!
__________________
2006 E90 330i Jet Black | 20" WORK VS-XX | FK452 | H&R Sport on Koni Yellow | REMUS QUAD
Appreciate 0
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:20 AM.




e90post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST