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      02-16-2015, 05:05 PM   #1
newoldbeemer
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How to deal with this weird "friend"

So we have this one "friend" in our group, he sometimes starts acting weird towards one or others in the group. Let me describe:

- He had been "best friends" with another guy in the group for like six years (probably more) but suddenly he started hating on this guy and started talking crap about him to everyone in the group. He would avoid this guy, ignore, insult him etc. There was this new years party and we were all together and fairly buzzed (but not nearly drunk) and I took the opportunity to try and cement things, I said something like "Lets start the new year on a fresh note" and this guy responds with "All I want to do is give him the finger". I was puzzled. Why?? Later when asked he would give a different reason/excuse every time, that would sound contrived.

- Last year he did the exact same thing with another guy who was "close" to him - started fighting with him, apparently they had some quarrels since they were sharing a house and it ended with this guy throwing the other guy out of the house. Was ugly.

- Now, all of a sudden, this guy's new target seems to be me! There has been no unpleasantness, no confrontation, not even petty arguments that I can remember but suddenly this guy is ignoring my messages, wouldn't return calls, answers rudely when talked to, pointedly ignores when in a group (usual things he does when he "targets" someone). I spoke about this to the first friend who he started abruptly hating on, and the guy pointed out that this guy is giving me the same "treatment" that he was getting. One possibility that occurred to me is that he is now hating on me because I continue to be in touch with the first guy who he started hating on.

What I really don't understand is this guy's motive. Why is he doing this? Does he have some kind of psychological kink? Or is he doing this in a calculated way, to keep people from each other? I noticed when he does this, he becomes extra-social and extra-friendly to everyone else (except the person he is trying to single out), and wouldn't hesitate talking all kinds of crap (usually lies or incidents related out of context) to others about the person he is trying to single out.

What makes this worse is we are all colleagues too. I try to stay away from this guy but unfortunately he is part of the "group" and he is involved in all the IMs / parties etc and he will show up and will try to create drama whenever he does show up. Whenever anyone directly confronts him with "Why are you doing this", he would respond with "Please leave me alone" as if he were the victim (obviously for the audience), and if no one is watching he would just say go away or not respond.

How would you deal with this person? What's the deal with this guy, have you ever had to deal with something like this?
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      02-16-2015, 05:15 PM   #2
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Tell him what he's doing, how others are perceiving his words and actions, why his actions/words are not right, what he could have done to not portray himself as an ass, and leave it at that.

If he's a true, rationally thinking friend, he'll admit wrongdoing, own up to his crap like a man, apologize, and seek to patch things up after understanding/acting on what others are saying to him.

Honestly, I don't expect this to happen. I expect he'll accept he's being an ass, change for a few weeks, and go right back to his nature, which is to be an ass. Simply put: he's just like that, and others have to deal with it. If you can't deal with him, ignore him. He doesn't even exist as far as you're concerned.

Others can try to change someone, but only that person has to want change in order for it to happen. If he doesn't want to change, he won't, and there's simply nothing anyone can say or do to make him change.
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      02-16-2015, 05:35 PM   #3
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Cut

Him

Out

of

Your

Life.

It's too short, move on.

I seem to have several people in my life who think that assholes are such nice people except for that one dick move they did and won't acknowledge. Guess what, nice people don't pull dick moves without apologizing and asking for foreignness. Cool, good natured, kind people don't start randomly being a dick to other people with no explanation. Get rid of the negative people, there is enough of that to be had in life without befriending them and trying to cure them of it.
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      02-16-2015, 05:38 PM   #4
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^It sounds like OP is stuck with him (he's in their social circle) so I'm not so sure OP can simply cut him out, without cutting out his entire social circle he's a part of.
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      02-16-2015, 05:48 PM   #5
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I agree with Mr Tonka. Fuck him.
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      02-16-2015, 05:56 PM   #6
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Cut him out, and if you can't because your other friends wont, then cut them out too.
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      02-16-2015, 06:07 PM   #7
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Hmm not sure I want to cut the entire group out. Most of them are real nice and we also help each other out with professional references etc (most of us are colleagues and ex colleagues). Why should I lose some real good friends because of this one guy being a jerk?

What really puzzles me is WHY he would do this. He is just randomly losing his friends, what does he gain by doing that? Its like giving your BMW away, isn't it?
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      02-16-2015, 06:11 PM   #8
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is this high school?

if i don't care for someone or their actions i just cut them off. i am a strong believer in a zero drama lifestyle.
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      02-16-2015, 06:12 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newoldbeemer View Post
Hmm not sure I want to cut the entire group out. Most of them are real nice and we also help each other out with professional references etc (most of us are colleagues and ex colleagues). Why should I lose some real good friends because of this one guy being a jerk?

What really puzzles me is WHY he would do this. He is just randomly losing his friends, what does he gain by doing that? Its like giving your BMW away, isn't it?
Exactly, and that's why I disagree with everyone saying, "fuck em"...keep that mentality, and you'll become a self-centered prick...

Some people simply are like that. That's the best explanation for it. Perhaps he has some psychological issues? Who knows. You wish everyone could be kind, genuine, and not sons-of-bitches, but some individuals have "asshole" imprinted on their genes.
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      02-16-2015, 06:15 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gtron View Post
i am a strong believer in a zero drama lifestyle.
But drama keeps you entertained

Jk jk, I respect that mentality
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      02-16-2015, 06:20 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gtron View Post
is this high school?
LOL! I wish!
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      02-16-2015, 07:17 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squishy
Quote:
Originally Posted by gtron View Post
i am a strong believer in a zero drama lifestyle.
But drama keeps you entertained

Jk jk, I respect that mentality
I have a wife and 3 kids. Sometimes I wish I can say eff em to at least 3 of them. Lolz
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      02-16-2015, 07:22 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevinbahnz View Post
I have a wife and 3 kids. Sometimes I wish I can say eff em to at least 3 of them. Lolz


That reminded me of a story about a guy who faked his death so he wouldn't have to marry his fiance
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      02-16-2015, 07:33 PM   #14
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Is he Canadian?
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      02-16-2015, 07:41 PM   #15
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Is he Canadian?
That would explain "foreignness."
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      02-16-2015, 07:54 PM   #16
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I'd simply cut the fellow out. He's shown a pattern of erratic behavior and it will only get worse.

People don't change.
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      02-16-2015, 08:51 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Repoman View Post
I'd simply cut the fellow out.
People don't change.
This. It's not so much that they can't, it's that they won't. Let's say a person has been a certain way for 30 years, he or she is not going to change overnight. You could plant a seed and hope that they see the light. One can change only if they really want to and work at it.
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      02-16-2015, 08:52 PM   #18
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      02-16-2015, 08:57 PM   #19
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But they all work together, so that makes it odd.

That's why I am not friends with people at work. Keep them as colleagues, but not close friends.
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      02-16-2015, 10:10 PM   #20
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But they all work together, so that makes it odd.

That's why I am not friends with people at work. Keep them as colleagues, but not close friends.
Bingo. At the end of the day, I go home. On Friday evening it's "See ya Monday."
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      02-16-2015, 10:20 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by P1et View Post
But they all work together, so that makes it odd.

That's why I am not friends with people at work. Keep them as colleagues, but not close friends.
Yeah it is tough when you become friends with people at work. This is why dating your co-workers is frowned upon. Even as friends it could be an issue, let alone dating.
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      02-16-2015, 10:49 PM   #22
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I have no friends at work.
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