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      05-30-2010, 12:11 PM   #45
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Last night I walked up to a prostitute and asked, "How much for a fuck?"

She replied, "250".

I just stood there laughing at her expense.
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      05-30-2010, 12:12 PM   #46
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I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.

Then I thought, screw it.
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      05-30-2010, 12:12 PM   #47
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I was in a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago and I overheard this woman say, "Guys who drive expensive cars have small penises."
I went to go talk to her. I said, "Excuse me. That is not entirely accurate because I drive a really inexpensive car and I also have a small penis."
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      05-30-2010, 12:13 PM   #48
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Heard the new song that's really popular with Catholics?

"Smack my bishop."
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      05-30-2010, 12:14 PM   #49
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I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.
Then I made a run for it.
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      05-30-2010, 12:15 PM   #50
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I've just swung my cat around by its tail. My wife saw me and gave me such a bollocking.

On the plus side, the living room is bigger than I thought.
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      05-30-2010, 12:17 PM   #51
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My wife is really pissed off with me for using 'nerdy, astronomical puns'.

I said, "Well at least I'm not lazy. You're always saturn uranus, eating galaxy."
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      05-30-2010, 12:19 PM   #52
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All day I've been pretending I'm different types of wood.

I'm board now.
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      05-30-2010, 12:19 PM   #53
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I went to a restaurant a couple of nights ago and ordered the finest steak they had to offer. As I was eating it I couldn't help but think "Wow, this steak is better than sex!"
Then last night while I was having sex I had a follow up thought...
"Cheaper, too."
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      05-30-2010, 12:21 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
In bed with the wife last night and I just couldn't get a hard on.
She just pointed and laughed, childishly.

Which solved my problem admirably.
LOL!!!
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      05-30-2010, 12:25 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Dave View Post
LOL!!!
I see we've found the level for you Dave...

My wife's been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years.
She's finally given up and thrown in the towel
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      05-30-2010, 12:26 PM   #56
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I've just bought a case of Stella for a fiver.

When I get home the wife's going to be gobsmacked.
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      05-30-2010, 12:26 PM   #57
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England is bordering on anarchy.

Or Scotland, as it's better known.
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      05-30-2010, 12:27 PM   #58
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The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to Ibiza, and she wants to come with me.
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      05-30-2010, 12:29 PM   #59
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The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome".
As I entered the shop, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.
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      05-30-2010, 12:29 PM   #60
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The new Government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford
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      05-30-2010, 12:29 PM   #61
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Been seeing this girl for about 3 months now... Everything was going great until tonight... Fucking bitch bought curtains for her window!
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      05-30-2010, 12:30 PM   #62
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Fancy a game of rugby league this weekend? Bradford are missing three hookers
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      05-30-2010, 12:30 PM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E92Fan View Post
The new Government have gone way over the top with job cuts. I've just heard three prostitutes have been axed in Bradford
Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League?

Bradford are missing 3 hookers.
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      05-30-2010, 12:31 PM   #64
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Last night, I let one of my daughter's school friends stay on a sleepover.

My wife and daughter were really pissed off when they found out.
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      05-30-2010, 12:31 PM   #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
Anyone fancy a game of Rugby League?

Bradford are missing 3 hookers.
Does anyone fancy a night out in Shipley tonight? I hear there's a bit of fanny floating about!
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      05-30-2010, 12:32 PM   #66
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There is a lot of debate over where the best place to punch an aggressive shark is.

I personally reckon it's the sea.
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