E90Post
 


ProTUNING Freaks
 
BMW 3-Series (E90 E92) Forum > BMW E90/E92/E93 3-series General Forums > Regional Forums > UK > UK Off-Topic Discussions > Eddie's own joke thread...



Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      05-30-2010, 04:55 PM   #111
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
So you don't actually want me to explain to you the meaning of the word masturbation?

Ok. Please yourself.
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-30-2010, 04:56 PM   #112
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political correctness.

"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss," he replies.

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," says the Teacher.

"It's not the answer the fucking country was looking for either."
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-30-2010, 04:57 PM   #113
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
I'm a masochist, and I like to cut myself.

So I don't.
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-30-2010, 09:21 PM   #114
zltm089
Major General
zltm089's Avatar
United Kingdom
98
Rep
7,530
Posts

Drives: 335i SE Coupe Space Grey
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: LONDON

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2006 BMW 335i  [5.00]
bloody hell..its comedy nite!....with Ed!...
__________________

Current Car: E92 335i SE Dream Cars: AMG SL65 Black,GallardoSuperleggera, GTR 2012, Agera R, F430 Scuderia, DBS, EVO X FQ400, Lexus LFA, F10 M5, M4, GT3 RS4.0, Ferrari 458, Ferrari F12, R8 V10 plus, Jaguar F Type V8, Lamborghini LP700-4 Aventador, Chevrolet Camaro ZL1, C63 AMG Coupe Black, Vanquish 2012, Laferrari, GT3 991, McLaren 650s.
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 01:23 AM   #115
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
This bloke in the sauna keeps telling everyone to get out?

Talk about selfish steam issues!
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 06:33 AM   #116
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
My wife has said she's had a titful and intends leaving me on the weekend.
I've begged and pleaded but she's adamant she's not going before then...
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 06:33 AM   #117
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
My friend asked me if I was bulimic the other day.

I nearly choked on my finger...
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 08:15 AM   #118
AlanQS
Colonel
AlanQS's Avatar
Scotland
25
Rep
2,534
Posts

Drives: 320d SE Coupe
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
"A purveyor of groaning puns deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest."

Where's that wood?...
__________________
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 12:08 PM   #119
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
82
Rep
6,899
Posts

Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlanQS View Post
"A purveyor of groaning puns deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest."

Where's that wood?...
Works better with 'pratical joker', but I'm not sure I deserve to be beaten with a stick just for a low level of comedic value, when it's quite apparent that my objective was for quantity rather than quality.
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      05-31-2010, 02:34 PM   #120
AlanQS
Colonel
AlanQS's Avatar
Scotland
25
Rep
2,534
Posts

Drives: 320d SE Coupe
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
I'm sure Captain Sheffield wouldn't mind a slight alteration to his quotation and unchanged,it wouldn't have adequately covered the groan inducing items that lurk within your prolific outpourings.
__________________
Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 01:56 AM   #121
Teutonicdriver
Lieutenant
United Kingdom
4
Rep
436
Posts

Drives: 320d M Sport Business Edition
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: North Yorks

iTrader: (1)

I found my uncle Paddy in his kitchen last night, blood pouring from his ears and both legs badly scalded. I asked what had happened and he told me he had been cooking a Heinz sponge pudding. Instructions on the tin read; "Pierce Here and stand in boiling water for ten minutes".
Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:34 AM   #122
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

Men: Single handedly keeping Kleenex in business since 1876.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:35 AM   #123
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

Israel: Bringing machine guns to knife fights since 1948.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:35 AM   #124
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:36 AM   #125
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my fucking wallet was gone.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:37 AM   #126
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:37 AM   #127
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:38 AM   #128
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

It's amazing how long people can hold a grudge for. I had my school reunion last night.

Most of them still haven't forgiven me for the gun massacre.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:39 AM   #129
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

Stephen Hawking has said that he will 'give his body for scientific research' when he dies.

I can't help but think with that machine he'd get a much better deal on webuyanycar.com.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:39 AM   #130
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

Iron Man is a superhero.

Iron Woman is a command.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:40 AM   #131
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

I was working at my local polling station last night and had to turn a lot of people away...

Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote.
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
      06-01-2010, 05:41 AM   #132
E902717
Colonel
E902717's Avatar
England
27
Rep
2,402
Posts

Drives: E91 335d M-Sport
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: uk

iTrader: (0)

My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."

I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia."
__________________
Car: 2011 BMW E91 335D M-Sport
Previous: 2010 BMW E70 X5 3.0D M-Sport - last seen going backwards in a hedge

Appreciate 0
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:56 PM.




e90post
e90post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST