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      06-01-2010, 04:41 AM   #133
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This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.
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      06-01-2010, 04:42 AM   #134
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I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...
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      06-01-2010, 04:43 AM   #135
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Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish family is unemployed and homeless.
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      06-01-2010, 04:43 AM   #136
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In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain".

Silly bitch should have gone to Portugal, she would have got away with it there.
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      06-01-2010, 06:21 AM   #137
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My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.
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      06-01-2010, 06:29 AM   #138
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My mate Pete is serving in Afghanistan, and the man is a fucking hero!

In one brave and selfless act, he saved the lives of dozens of British and Allied soldiers, not to mention hundreds of innocent civilians.

He shot down an American ground assault aircraft.
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      06-01-2010, 06:29 AM   #139
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My wife's just like Heather Mills.

She only wears half the fucking shoes she buys.
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      06-01-2010, 06:30 AM   #140
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I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up.
I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation."
"Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me."

"I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner."
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      06-01-2010, 06:31 AM   #141
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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."
I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."
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      06-01-2010, 06:31 AM   #142
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I was in a club the other night when I saw this fat fucking bitch standing by herself. I went over to the bar, bought 2 beers, walked over to her and handed her one, saying 'Happy birthday'.
She looked at me funny and said, "It's not my birthday."
I looked her up and down and whispered in her ear, "Then stop eating cake".
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      06-01-2010, 06:32 AM   #143
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I've been desperately asking my friends not to tell me what happens in the final episode of LOST.

I'm not worried about them spoiling it, I just don't give a shit.
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      06-01-2010, 06:34 AM   #144
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John Higgins has said if he is banned from snooker he would really miss it...

It's not yet known if he'd miss it on purpose.
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      06-01-2010, 06:34 AM   #145
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Got arrested at Heathrow last week.
Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
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      06-01-2010, 06:35 AM   #146
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I stopped at a service station and asked the cashier at the window for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.

Fucking smart arse.
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      06-01-2010, 06:37 AM   #147
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My wife just ran off with my new best friend.

I have not met him yet, but I can't wait to shake his hand.
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      06-01-2010, 06:37 AM   #148
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In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,

"I'll make you a deal... you go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once."
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      06-01-2010, 06:44 AM   #149
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MSN News - 'Greece : Brit Held After Girlfriend's Death'.


Apparently they have asked for 300,000,000 to bail him.
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      06-10-2010, 07:45 AM   #150
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my mate.

He said, "I don't follow you."
hahahahahhaha too funnyyyyyyyyyyyy
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      06-10-2010, 10:00 AM   #151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E902717 View Post
My wife just ran off with my new best friend.

I have not met him yet, but I can't wait to shake his hand.
Blimey, can we get ed to carry on.....
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      06-10-2010, 10:40 AM   #152
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it would appear that Duran Duran have re released an old classic for the world cup....His name is Rio and he watches from the stands.
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      06-10-2010, 10:47 AM   #153
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the top 4 fu*ks of all time
"what the fu*k was that" mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
"you want what on the fu*king ceiling" Michelangelo 1566
"Aw come on honey who the fu*ks going to find out" Bill Clinton 1997
And drum roll...
"We can easily win the fu*kin premiership" Rafa Benitez 2000/1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10
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      06-10-2010, 11:22 AM   #154
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Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
My mates a real fan of old cars and pisses the rest of us off by loudly boasting that Vauxhall used to make the best of the lot.

I don't think he'll be popular for long with that Cavalier attitude..
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