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      02-09-2011, 11:13 PM   #67
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Politically Incorrect Joke Of The Day!!!

Politically Incorrect Joke of the Day

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!
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      02-09-2011, 11:17 PM   #68
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Fred

Fred was sitting in the garden of the aged people’s hostel with his Willie in his hand, just sitting there. Mavis came up and sat beside him and said “Can I please do that Fred?” So for many months they sat for an hour in the garden every day from 2 to 3 pm, Fred with his Willie out and Mavis with her hand wrapped around it.

One day Mavis waited in vain for 20 minutes then went looking for Fred. One of the nurses told her he was sitting at the other end of the garden with Mary. Mavis stormed out to find Fred and Mary sitting on a seat in the garden.

“What’s going on here?” she cried. Fred said “I wont be sitting with you anymore Mavis, I’ll be sitting with Mary each day between 2 and 3 pm.”

Mavis said “What the hell does Mary have that I don’t?”

Fred’s eyes lit up as he answered “Parkinsons.”
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      02-09-2011, 11:19 PM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WOPALX View Post
Politically Incorrect Joke of the Day

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!
dude every post you do tops your previous one!
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      02-09-2011, 11:28 PM   #70
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A man goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The man then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. The man says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The man replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
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      02-09-2011, 11:30 PM   #71
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Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

-- Your other girlfriend told you so.

-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"
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      02-09-2011, 11:31 PM   #72
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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as
well do as the Americans do."


As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'


The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the
other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.

"What part did you get?"
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      02-09-2011, 11:32 PM   #73
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There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, Man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you sod, show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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      02-09-2011, 11:33 PM   #74
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Open Wide!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.



The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two mates sitting out in my car, waiting for us to go play golf.

So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it—I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!


The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness-- this sure is a very brave man asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.



" So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
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      02-09-2011, 11:38 PM   #75
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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      02-09-2011, 11:39 PM   #76
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
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      02-09-2011, 11:47 PM   #77
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A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.

He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
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      02-09-2011, 11:50 PM   #78
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A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow!

Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink," then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
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      02-10-2011, 01:08 AM   #79
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and then the man said my next set of tyres will be those awesome ACHILLIES TYRES THAT AWRE AWESOME.


LULZ I GET IT NOW
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      02-10-2011, 07:00 PM   #80
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I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex.** She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.
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      02-10-2011, 07:23 PM   #81
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Quote:
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I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex.** She's been lying there for five days now giving me the silent treatment.
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      02-10-2011, 11:08 PM   #82
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Comment from a reader on Julia Gillard's beard hating

"Geoff: I think Julia would look better with a beard."

http://au.news.yahoo.com/latest/a/-/...ion-to-beards/
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Last edited by cruvon; 02-10-2011 at 11:15 PM.
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      02-11-2011, 12:18 AM   #83
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US cuts Top Gear's jokes about Mexico
http://au.news.yahoo.com/latest/a/-/...ico-jokes-cut/
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      02-11-2011, 01:34 AM   #84
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The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."


MOAR~!!!
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      02-11-2011, 02:22 AM   #85
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      02-11-2011, 02:30 AM   #86
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^^ Looks better than the real thing
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      02-13-2011, 05:09 PM   #87
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Illegal Arrival Problems
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      02-14-2011, 03:53 AM   #88
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Those on facebook will be aware of the hilarity occurring.
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