E90Post
 


European Auto Source
 
BMW 3-Series (E90 E92) Forum > BMW E90/E92/E93 3-series General Forums > Regional Forums > UK > UK Off-Topic Discussions > Quickies



Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      03-24-2011, 06:00 AM   #1
ed335d
Major General
ed335d's Avatar
United Kingdom
81
Rep
6,899
Posts

 
Drives: E92 M3
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
57 e92 M3  [5.00]
2008 e92 335d  [0.00]
Quickies

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.


Spent 40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.


An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
__________________
E92 M3, Jerez Black, Fox Red Novillo, 19'' M Double Spoke, folding mirrors, lumbar support, front seat heating, PDC, USB, DAB, EDC, Bluetooth, Logic 7, High Gloss Shadowline, big smile
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 06:16 AM   #2
creepy coupe
Major General
creepy coupe's Avatar
98
Rep
8,173
Posts

 
Drives: M235i
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK

iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2009 335i  [0.00]
FAF. thanks for them
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 06:57 AM   #3
sheps
Colonel
sheps's Avatar
United Kingdom
30
Rep
2,396
Posts

 
Drives: C63 AMG
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Cambs, UK

iTrader: (2)

Send a message via MSN to sheps
Brilliant!
__________________
Gone but not forgotten:
325i M Sport (E92), Black Sapphire, Coral Red Dakota, 19" 225's, Seat Heating, 6FL and de-badge

Replaced by 6.2 litres of AMG powered C class.
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 07:09 AM   #4
dxb335d
The Tarmac Terrorist
dxb335d's Avatar
England
381
Rep
29,288
Posts

 
Drives: E46 M3 CS
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ''Fandango Towers''

iTrader: (3)

Garage List
Ace mate.
__________________
M3 gone .... But I now have a M3 CS
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 08:46 AM   #5
rich1068
has left the building
United Kingdom
54
Rep
3,363
Posts

 
Drives: F30 330d M Sport
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: UK

iTrader: (0)

Very good.
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 09:36 AM   #6
willhollin
Major General
willhollin's Avatar
England
123
Rep
9,918
Posts

 
Drives: VW T5
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Worcestershire

iTrader: (1)

Garage List
Post the "Mission Impossible" one up Ed!
__________________
Appreciate 0
      03-24-2011, 12:19 PM   #7
MB London
Come as you are
MB London's Avatar
United Kingdom
17
Rep
1,140
Posts

 
Drives: F10 520d M-sport
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: London

iTrader: (0)

'I was shagging a bird the other night and she said to me 'please dont put it up my arse' I quickly replied 'its traditional for the person holding the knife to make those decisions'
Appreciate 0
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:36 PM.




e90post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST