[OldArmy]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

BY JOHN CLEESE


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya
, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person


A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC

[ScotchAndCigar]

That's good. Funny, I was just thinking of Monty Python as we rehearsed the Liberty Bell march last night. I couldn't help but picture the opening of the MP's Flying Circus show, with the fart-sound ending.

[Fox128i]

That gave me a good chuckle, especially the bit about the French. Gotta love John Cleese

[mspeasl]

This is a good one. Finally something we all can agree about.

[ecleland]

Laughed so loud had to close my office door

[Team Plutonium]

That was awesome!

[Terraforce1]

I like the Spanish and Australian ones

[kmarei]

Hilarious
Love the one about the french
I downloaded the month python app on my iPhone
It's got some of their best bits
The dead parrot skit still kills me