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      08-31-2012, 05:30 AM   #1
RagingKileak
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Friday fun.

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
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Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"
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My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......
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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
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Life is like a penis.

Soft and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard
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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you are sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

Matt
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      08-31-2012, 05:54 AM   #2
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"I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore. "

LMAO proper laughed at that one
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      08-31-2012, 06:07 AM   #3
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PMSL Matt, nice one!!
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      08-31-2012, 06:22 AM   #4
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good one!...
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      08-31-2012, 07:41 AM   #5
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

bahahaha
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      08-31-2012, 07:43 AM   #6
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very good
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      08-31-2012, 08:53 AM   #7
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You carrying on from where Ed left off with his 'Friday Funnies' Matt??
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      08-31-2012, 09:34 AM   #8
RagingKileak
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Just this one time.

I am sure Ed will post any up that he gets too!

My fave is the Chloroform one I must say.

Rgds
Matt
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      08-31-2012, 09:53 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RagingKileak View Post
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
Brilliant!
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      08-31-2012, 09:56 AM   #10
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Letter to the doctor

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      08-31-2012, 09:58 AM   #11
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I got a brilliant joke today on text but daren't put it on here - wrong on so many levels (Jimmy Car style). I'll text it you Matt...
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      08-31-2012, 10:02 AM   #12
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Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its 2.50/min (charges may vary).

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.



News flashes:

1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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      08-31-2012, 10:04 AM   #13
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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tipex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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      08-31-2012, 10:09 AM   #14
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Ed's back on form
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      08-31-2012, 10:25 AM   #15
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Quote:
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Ed's back on form
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      08-31-2012, 11:35 AM   #16
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These are good Ed, keep em coming!!
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      08-31-2012, 11:39 AM   #17
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Do Boots sell Eau de Chloroform?

Can't find it online
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      08-31-2012, 11:40 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Masterplan View Post
"I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore. "

LMAO proper laughed at that one

Luv it
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      08-31-2012, 11:44 AM   #19
ed335d
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I have recently become a Father again, having had 5 boys.

If I'm being honest, I never expected the Catholic Church to let me back in.
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      08-31-2012, 12:03 PM   #20
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I've recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, "Use this. You won't look as gay"
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      08-31-2012, 12:22 PM   #21
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I Hope this is gonn'a be a regular feature
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      08-31-2012, 12:23 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ed335d View Post
I've recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, "Use this. You won't look as gay"
I hope you whacked him Ed
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