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      08-17-2007, 06:47 AM   #1
pseto
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Road Map around DC

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC, or
"the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks
old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete.
If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's
already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed
chase in D.C .
It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning
and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow
clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation.
This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is
from 1 to 8 PM. In reality, Friday's rush hour starts Thursday night
at 10 pm especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point In
driving anywhere near PG County.
(Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper
Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel
in their neck and go into
a seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and
shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture"
you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon
as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages,
none of them English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the
Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of
scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an
"Interstate"
but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider
Montgomery County another state, which some do).
Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction
ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Takoma Park".

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross
intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or
Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. If in PG County, "Street"
will be your best bet. In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese
Dialect will come in handy.
If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps.
If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50.
A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you
wouldn't understand)

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most
dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.

There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic
cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered down right sissy.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far
right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught
driving in the "slow " lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair
game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat"
lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Nationals' opening day. If it's 110
degrees, it's the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June,
July, August and sometimes September.
If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the
stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting towed or a citation.
By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the
stadium during game days.
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      08-17-2007, 07:24 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pseto View Post
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the
Giant for toilet paper and milk.

So true!!!

Well done Pseto, perfectly on point.....
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      08-17-2007, 07:58 AM   #3
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The thing about the map of Loudoun is so true... idrive still doesnt have some of the more major roads around because there are new roads popping up daily...


Another addition...

Loudoun County is the only place where 16 lanes of traffic meet at a 4-way stop sign... 4-way stop signs are a way of life...
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      08-17-2007, 08:05 AM   #4
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WOW....that's a tirade...way to go pseto...way to go...

You bear down and give that turd hell.....!
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      08-17-2007, 08:10 AM   #5
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so true
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      08-17-2007, 08:12 AM   #6
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true, true....this is who we are


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      08-17-2007, 08:13 AM   #7
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Thats wicked and soooo true. Did you write the entire thing yourself?
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Last edited by tman; 08-17-2007 at 01:53 PM.
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      08-17-2007, 08:53 AM   #8
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Hilarious, Paul
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      08-17-2007, 11:53 AM   #9
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Nice RANT Paul

here's an old RANT

Call me crazy but for some strange reason I'm scared of moths. And I'll tell you why I'm scared of moths, they dont bite, they dont sting, they dont spin webs and creep up in your **** during the middle of the night, I'm just scared of them. Last night I'm in my room minding my own god damn business when this big F***in' moth comes charging through my bedroom window like he's some CEO of a big corporation...

So I'm watching this b*stard fly around my room and he's just totally out of control. The m***rf***r has no flying skills what so ever. He's head butting the ceiling, f**kin' flying face first into the walls, bouncing off the god damn furniture, I mean he's clearly under the influence of something...

"Just give me my space pr*ck," I tell him. But sure enough, like most moths, they gotta fly all up in your business. Why? Because moths seem to think they are top of the food chain. You see thats the thing. Most creatures, insects, animals, etc. are intelligent enough to keep their distance from the average human being. You know, because they understand humans are large creatures who will f**k them up something fierce. Not moths. At least, not this moth. The second this moth came barging through my bedroom window it was clear he had beef with me. I mean how else can you explain his actions?

So I jump up off my chair and now it's on. This pr*ck couldn't leave well enough alone, he started flying into my air space and my air space is off limits to the average winged creature. Kinda like the White House. I grab my Sports Illustrated, roll it into a giant swat format and start methodically and strategically trying to knock this p*nk b*tch into the middle of next week. I mean I'm taking some serious whacks at him. I'm like Bonds in the batting cage. After swinging and missing several times, I realized that connecting was going to be alot more difficult than I imagined and frustration started setting in. The more I swung and missed, the faster and more agressive the moth became. Plus, he was busting out some serious Top Gun manuevers in mid air. By no means was he trying to avoid my giant Sports Illustrated paper roll. He was flying right through fire to get at me.

All of a sudden I start realizing that he's flying in a designed pattern. Probably learned that sh*t in the Air Force, thats when I decide to out smart him with some old fashioned anticipation. I firmly grip my Sports Illustrated and proceed and take a large swing at a location and not the target. Brilliant move except when I swung and missed, the giant moth somehow made a run for it and barricaded himself up my nostril hole. I'm f**kin serious...

I drop my Sports Illustrated and frantically bolt out of my room screaming for help. "SOMEBODY HELP ME! CALL 911!!" My brother comes running out of his room wondering why the f**k is going on and at this point I could feel the moth just embedding himself deeper and deeper up my beak hole. I mean he's clearly setting up camp in there.

"Whats wrong? Whats wrong?" says my brother.

"Whats wrong? A f**king moth just flew up my nose you a**h*l*e"


Now, you know why Im scared of moths

Last edited by ase2dais; 08-17-2007 at 12:13 PM.
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      08-17-2007, 02:02 PM   #10
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Priceless!!!!!!!!!!
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      08-18-2007, 10:32 AM   #11
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I just moved to Montgomery County from Jersey three weeks ago...thanks for the Tips!!!
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      08-18-2007, 09:30 PM   #12
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      08-18-2007, 10:22 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pseto View Post
All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning
and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow
clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation.
This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered down right sissy.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show.
Strap up and collect points as you go.
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