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It sounds like the car is having a serious electrical malfunction, potentially due to a failed battery. Not that I'm an expert on Beamers, but I saw this on another car with a similar issue. Caused absolute havoc including airbag faults, the speedo reading the speed, the digital odometer not tracking mileage properly, the anti pollution system going on the fritz etc etc.
I would trickle charge the battery using a re-conditioner over the course of 24-48 hours, with the battery disconnected from the vehicle. I would then take a multimeter to the car battery and check the voltage. You could try and start the car with a high amp battery charger connected to the battery (minimum 4amps output) perhaps? But it's not going to recover a dead battery, it'll just get the car started and then you can work from there.
If the battery is dead, I suspect the car computers etc will not like that.
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