[Buug959]

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of jobs to do. When I got home only jobs 1,3 and 5 got done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I'm reading a book about school truancy, by Marcus Absent

[KRS_SN]

The patron saint of email copies...

Is Francis of a cc

[BMWGUYinCO]

My wife found letters I was hiding, proving that I was cheating on her.

Now she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

[Pauly Wauly]

Last night my bitch ass neighbor called the police because I was smoking weed on the balcony. The police get here and asked where's the weed? I said I smoked it all.
They asked where did you buy it? I said from the neighbor. They are still at her place searching.

[UncleWede]

American, Englishman, and Irishman are sitting in a bar, and 3 flies mysteriously land in each man's drink.

American say something. . .
Englishman say something . . .

Irishman grabs the fly and yells "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT"

[Buug959]

What is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

[sygazelle]

A knock knock joke:

[Esteban]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it" she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked "what do you mean?" "Well," she said "they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[Buug959]

I got mugged by six dwarves last night... not Happy.

[Pauly Wauly]

A group of guys went to a movie theater to see a 9pm blockbuster movie.
Just before the movie was about to start the power went out, coincidentally a phone ring and one of the guys answered and put the call on speaker.
Hello he said, the caller a lady replied, hi baby I hope you are having fun. He responded, yes I am and she said, I know you would.
Well I am shopping online and I would love to order this watch worth $6.500 what do you think?
The man replied, sure go ahead if it will make you happy. She replied, WOW, I also would like to order those five layered bib shirt dresses I told you about they are $300.000, are you cool with it?
The man responded, just make sure you don`t order more than the five dresses', I love you baby.
She said, one more thing. I wanna order five pair of shoes to match the dresses. He asked, how much?
The ladies in the audience are already jealous and eager to see how cute this rich man is.
She said they are $480.000. He responded, fair enough go ahead. Okay darling I will see you later, I love you so much, I love you too and he hung up.
At this point the theater was in chaos, applauses were everywhere and suddenly the lights came back on.
The man turned and all eyes were on him. The man asked; Anyone one know whose phone this is? His wife or girlfriend sure has a lovely taste.

[Esteban]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[MysticPebble]

Vroom Vroom Joke Time!

Why do cars never get tired?
Because they come with exhausts!

And here’s another one:
Why do auto mechanics do it better?
Because they know how to screw, nut, and bolt!

[M5Rick]

I wanted a Lamborghini but couldn't pronounce it.

[CamasM3e93]

A man woke up from a scheduled operation to amputate his left leg, but discovered in horror that his right leg had been removed in error. The surgeon came into his room all smiles, reporting that he had good news and bad news.

Patient: What’s the bad news, Doc?

Surgeon: Well, I’m afraid we removed the wrong leg.

Patient: OMFG, I can’t believe it. What good news could you possibly deliver????

Surgeon: Well, it’s a mistake we can only make once….

[Buug959]

One morning a woman was walking out her front door when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin", she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes."
The goblin replies, "Ok you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?"
The woman stops and thinks for a few seconds. "I want a huge mansion to live in."
The goblin replies, "Ok, you got it. What's your second wish?"
The woman thinks it over again and says, "I want a brand new BMW M8 Competition."
Again the goblin says, "You got it. Think carefully about your final wish."
"Oh that's easy," she says. "I want 5 million dollars."
"Ok" says the goblin, "but to make your wishes come true you have to make love to me all night long."
She replies, "Ok then, if that's what it takes."
The next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," he says, "how old are you?"
"I'm 27", she replies.
"Isn't that something," the man says, "27 and you still believe in goblins."

[3.0L]

An elderly lady has an appointment with her doctor on the 10th floor, so hops in an elevator, pushes the 10 button and off she goes.

The elevator stops on the 5th floor and a beautiful young blond enters, smelling of perfume. The blond arrogantly says, "Chanel #5, $150.00 an ounce."

As the elevator approaches the 10th floor and the door begins to open, the elderly lady rips off a huge fart and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

[KRS_SN]

A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers 'Do you know it's National Orgasm Day?' 'Oh what a pity,' she says, 'Right in the middle of National Headache Week!'

[Pauly Wauly]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks: What is politics?

Dad says, well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father. Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.
The father says; good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies; Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.

[M5Rick]

What happened to the chap who sued over his missing luggage?
He lost his case.

[Esteban]

Police Officer: "I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait, I can explain everything."

[BMWGUYinCO]

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful!