[jaye944]

So was in a PT meeting wife & I, with principle and VP.

Some issues at school and wife had written a complaint (quite a stinker),
its a long story. Makes my head hurt but here's the question

VP was a female, we all sat round a round table, Prin, opposite me next to wife, VP next to me. The prin. was sitting well back in his chair, making notes talking etc.

Now the VP, like several times, lent into me looked into my eyes when making a point and touched my arm at the same time, very light, non sexual touch.

Bugged the hell outta me, as looking back and at the time, I'm sure she was trying some psych stuff on me.

So I was looking up some stuff on the non-verbal communication, it seems that, it is a form of getting compliance, acceptance and/or something like that.

Another thing that irritated me was when my wife made a statement, comment or challenge, she said
"I'm not saying your wrong" Or words to that effect "BUT..."
I know it sounds like your "agreeing" with the party, but your actually disagreeing.

TBH, I've had plenty of meetings, of different types, no-one has done that. In my gut I think she was trying to psych me out.
The principle didn't engage in any of this behavior with wife

The "reason" I'm bringing this up, is we have yet "another" meeting.
And wanna get my psych mojo on before then.

[jaye944]

Looking forward to changing my spark plugs and getting my hands dirty after this.
God, nothing simpler in life than getting your hands dirty in an engine bay

[Maynard]

Exactly how I feel after days dealing w/ this type.

Sorry you are dealing w/ these types around your child - I've had to deal w/ them through my education, and much harder when there is actually something important on the line. I doubt she is being calculating, probably a semi-auto pattern that has been working for her, so she keeps it up. That 'not that you are wrong, BUT' thing is often learned or intentional. Sad to say, this type is uncomfortably common in the social services/psych fields.

Rather than wasting your time with a bunch of pseudoscience about body language mojo, you should read a bit on 'assertiveness' and then use that with her. If you want, you can dress it up with the classic 'say s/t complimentary first' ("I agree with prin that it would be great if we just gave up on our rights, but ........"). Or you can go nuclear and loudly say 'inappropriate touch, please keep back' the next time she does the touchy thing . Either way, knowing she is trying to psych you is usually enough to keep it ineffective. Using these tactics is often a sign of people who can't tolerate direct conflict or being shown they are wrong; pushing that side may tighten them up or make them aggressive/hostile, so focus on what you want or what will make it right, not grievances or what they did wrong (often easier said than done for me, I must confess).

[Soul_Glo]

Non verbal cues (nvc) include eye contact, body language as you said but... they are not always used for compliance etc. Sometimes people don't know their boundaries and invade your zone of proximity. Imagine if you were doing it to her. How would it be perceived?! Anyhow it sounds like you want to prepare for the next meeting if there is one. So some suggestions are:

1. Adjust the seating arrangement so she cannot touch you
2. If she does then move back or brush your arm off. This will signal it is not okay.
3. Sit arm in arm or hand in hand with your wife. Or have your hand on your wife's knee. This might make it uncomfortable or awkward for her to touch you.
4. Lack of eye contact on your part will signal ambivalence or disagreement. A bit passive aggressive.
5. Assertiveness as mentioned above. Good advice.

The above means that she has less chance of being inappropriate or achieving her goal of compliance. Looking away when she talks or being distracted will get to her. It is a big F you as you can imagine. She might try raise her voice, touch you or use your name to get your attention.

Hope that helps.

[jaye944]

grt stuff lads !
some good advise there
will "comply" LOLZ
txs

[Maynard]

37psi is correct about how to evade this, but that will only spool them up. Unless this is really messing with you, then just let her waste her time tapping you. These types are usually born satisficers (spineless brown-nosers), and will only get hard if they feel cornered or attacked. Their behavior you describe suggests that either they know they are in the wrong (or being asked for s/t they don't like giving out), or they have you all pegged as full-on crazies that need to be dealt w/ very carefully. Either way, show them a simple low-fuss way out (i.e. what you want/need w/o you getting upset) and they often will take it. Best of luck, let us know how it turns out.

[CTinline-six]

I meet with principals and other school administrators every day for my job, and I see that constantly.

Whenever someone touches me I just say "please don't touch me". They usually get the hint.

Principals and other administrators are not used to answering to people and pretty much expect everyone will do what they say. Not all of them, but most of them will try whatever they can to get you to do what they want. I have one particular female at a district who will just start talking in circles once she realizes you aren't going along with her ideas.

When dealing with these people just be respectful, but also don't let them walk all over you. Let them know that you also want what is best for the school/kids, but will deal with the situation in the manner you feel is appropriate.

[Yapakanichi]

I give horrible advice (if you haven't seen my thread), but with people saying stuff like that would just cause me to get upset. So I feel ya.

But like 37psi said, just avoid sitting next to her. In fact I wouldn't speak to her at all. Focus your attention to the principle.

Unfortunately, and honestly it's non of our business, but without knowing the extent of your school problems we don't know how serious or big the problem is. Is it something small the principle doesn't want to deal with that the VP is being given and the principle is just sitting in on these meetings to observe?

Wear sunglasses if you want to avoid eye contact. I mean it's a small temp solution.

[roastbeef]

buy and listen to these two audio books from roger dawson, "the secrets of power negotiating", and "the secrets of power persuasion." fantastic books and if you're doing any kind of negotiating, you owe it to yourself to listen.

[UncleWede]

Just saying

[Delta0311]

Ok
Is VP hot?
If yes then is wife interested in threesome?

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Delta0311

Ok
Is VP hot?
If yes then is wife interested in threesome?

They usually are quite the opposite.

Teachers who have been there for 40 years usually become VPs and Principals.

[jaye944]

Hey Guy's

So yes meeting was today.

So yes thanks for all the replies, again to avoid full on migraines, see below.

So stuff has been brewing, using OH gets a bee in her bonnet, I get dragged in, I see both sides of the arguments, but the last couple of incidents saw my daughter in the P's office being asked to write apology notes. Long story, but the crime didn't warrant the time. NO consistency and when things are on the other foot , well you get the point.

So both meetings the "confrontation" was clearly between OH and VP. P was generally in a mediator position always seeing how to "fix" it, he actually came across as a straight shooter. His language was very positive, no undertones, no BS.

So today, we went in all guns blazing. My OH had had enough, plus 2 meetings.
She took no shit, and unloaded with both barrel's. As opposed to yesterday, where she had a quiver in her voice, and was more emotional.

For a professional, the VP was shit, the P took everything on the chin, disagreed (very politely) where necessary. The VP, is obviously used to dealing with children, confrontation with adult's she had no idea. She laughed once at a comment, which I was going to straighten her out on if he happened again. But wife could handle herself.

Me and the P, literally just sat back and watched the action.

The VP tried to draw me in several times, but I wasn't playing her game today, I got physically very close to wife, had my arm really far away.

(and as per above advice) looked away from her when she was talking to me, she couldn't tap me, but was leaning forward and taping the desk. You could see the strategy was divide and conquer.

"So what do you think Dad"
"I'm absolutely agreeing with my wife on this point"

She started off making an "assumption" of what happened, telling me that there was another version. I stuck to it and said "NO, THIS is what happened"

It was a rather loud kerfuffle in the office, BUT long story short.
We DID end up on a "happy" note, or both sides agreed.

One things for sure, they won't mess with my daughter or wife anymore.
She threatened, media, social media and bringing in Childrens aid.

The P's body language mirrored my own, and the VP, was aiming her body at the P,
I stuck to my wife like glue. I guess that shows more unity.

At the end of the meeting, the P shook both our hands with a smile, VP had left the room.

So a result, I can go back to things which makes sense, like tools and oily engines

[jaye944]

I can't remember the thread I had seen/participated/asked. One guy had some major issues with a school and he advised you have to go in, know what you want and not take any BS. You gotta be firm, after all there your kids.

Between the ages of about 8-13, I hated school, got bullied, went through sexual abuse, racist teacher (she was black BTW), I took time off school,pretended to be sick, I even had an eating disorder. I NEVER ever told my parents, as a kid you think everything is YOUR fault. And when teachers are screwing with you, your on a hiding to nothing.

My parents actually came in to school because they where not happy about my behavior. Some things got better or stopped (e,g) the bullying.

Luckily I did have a COUPLE of great teachers and college was fine. Otherwise I can see how kids drop out, take wrong turns in life.

To this day I hate confrontations, work can be hard when dealing with dickwads, I tend to internalize, till I can't take anymore, then blow up. Or turn to my friend "food"

Don't worry few years back I/we had some counselling, helped me with a lot of things and issues, but would have been better having this many years ago than now in my 50's

LOLZ it is what it is I guess

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by jaye944

To this day I hate confrontations, work can be hard when dealing with dickwads, I tend to internalize, till I can't take anymore, then blow up.

Don't worry few years back I/we had some counselling, helped me with a lot of things and issues, but would have been better having this many years ago than now in my 50's

So, what's the Canadian equivalent of the FBI?

[King Rudi]

I personally feel that her body language had nothing to do with the meeting. I feel that it may have been nothing short of physical attraction. I could be wrong, but rarely am in these matters.

[jaye944]

lolz, txs again