Why men don't write advice columns.

beemerbird · 03-14-2008, 03:47 PM

Just a bit of fun. Busy day at work today.

"Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back garden and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you help please?
Sincerely,
Mrs Sheila Usk.
.................................................. .................................................. ....

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter."

vivekk · 03-14-2008, 03:53 PM

Not bad advice though, Helen, you must admit.

I'd like to hear what Carlos' response would be.

Viv

Steve A · 03-14-2008, 04:17 PM

Just the advice i would of given........apart from give her a good rimming

peterg1965 · 03-14-2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve A

Just the advice i would of given........apart from give her a good rimming

I am sure that would have been the response from the "Dear Deidre" column too!

NFS · 03-15-2008, 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beemerbird

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter."

I think that she should try cleaning the throttle body. In lot's of cars (particularly VW's) over time this can be clogged by carbon deposits, which affect the flow of fuel at low idle and often cause random stalling.

jwbmw · 03-15-2008, 03:01 PM

Helen,

I am sure you would be more decissive and not need advice!!!

Go forth and multiply (well at least try to practise as often as possible) should be the moto. At least the woman could shag the hell out of the mechanic of her choice.

beemerbird · 03-15-2008, 03:19 PM

Moi more forthright, yeah I'd just go and get myself a mechanic, well a BMW technician perhaps who is upto speed of course

Practice makes perfect I reckon Jason.

jwbmw · 03-15-2008, 04:03 PM

BMW Technician up to speed! There is an oxymoron if ever I have heard one if the tales on this forum are anything to go by!

beemerbird · 03-15-2008, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jwbmw

An oxymoron if ever I have heard one if the tales on this forum are anything to go by!

On form tonight then Jason with the big words

Had to look up 'oxymoron'

Pronunciation. Rhetoric. a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

squeezebm · 03-15-2008, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beemerbird

On form tonight then Jason with the big words

Had to look up 'oxymoron'

Pronunciation. Rhetoric. a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

not bad for a brummie

!Xoible · 03-15-2008, 04:19 PM

funny thread

beemerbird · 03-15-2008, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squeezebm

not bad for a brummie

He's from 'down sarf' originally......apparently

N'owt as queer as folk tha' knows Calvin

(No offence J)

jwbmw · 03-15-2008, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beemerbird

He's from 'down sarf' originally......apparently

N'owt as queer as folk tha' knows Calvin

(No offence J)

As you know, nowt queer about me

jwbmw · 03-15-2008, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squeezebm

not bad for a brummie

Try "Scottish equitable" as another!

NFS · 03-16-2008, 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beemerbird

Had to look up 'oxymoron'

Pronunciation. Rhetoric. a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

Also see ...

Military intelligence

Fresh frozen

Friendly fire

Now ... can you define IRONY for the US forum please (except Floyd who's already pretty good at it

)

Steve A · 03-16-2008, 08:42 AM

Id like to add

American culture

peterg1965 · 03-16-2008, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needforspeed

Also see ...

Military intelligence

Should I take offence at this one NFS?

If its the Iraq dossier you are alluding to, its better phrased as:
"Campbell intelligence" or "Labour intelligence" or "Bliar's intelligence"

SoYank · 03-16-2008, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve A

Id like to add

American culture

watch it, buster!

Happily married
Pretty ugly
mighty weak
a little big
jumbo shrimp
http://www.oxymoronlist.com/

Wouldn't Liberal Democrat be redundant?

NFS · 03-16-2008, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peterg1965

Should I take offence at this one NFS?

If its the Iraq dossier you are alluding to, its better phrased as:
"Campbell intelligence" or "Labour intelligence" or "Bliar's intelligence"

Present company excluded Pete

peterg1965 · 03-16-2008, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needforspeed

Present company excluded Pete

dxb335d · 03-16-2008, 01:53 PM

If it was a ford and the engine was cold, it could quite easily be the idle speed control vavle!

My old man had a brand new Lancia delta intergrale evo back in the day 1992 and he hammered it i think, when my mum drove it it used to stall lol!! was brand new just used to apasting and not a slow drive!!

peterg1965 · 03-16-2008, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dxb335d

If it was a ford and the engine was cold, it could quite easily be the idle speed control vavle!

My old man had a brand new Lancia delta intergrale evo back in the day 1992 and he hammered it i think, when my mum drove it it used to stall lol!! was brand new just used to apasting and not a slow drive!!

What??????

carlos read the ******* post mate, it is nothing to do with car ******* maintenance!!!

03-14-2008, 03:47 PM	#1
beemerbird Major General 173 Rep 7,953 Posts Drives: Merc diesel Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Yorkshire iTrader: (0) Garage List 2010 TTRS [9.00] 2007 Audi S5 [0.00] May 2007 Porsche 99 ... [0.00] March 2007 Porsche ... [0.00] Sep. 2007 E92 335d SE [0.00] July 2006 E90 330i ... [0.00]	Why men don't write advice columns. Just a bit of fun. Busy day at work today. "Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back garden and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you help please? Sincerely, Mrs Sheila Usk. .................................................. .................................................. .... Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter."
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03-14-2008, 03:53 PM	#2
vivekk THE Viv 187 Rep 4,743 Posts Drives: 330i SE Join Date: May 2005 Location: the North, UK iTrader: (0) Garage List 2005 BMW e90 330iSE [0.00]	Not bad advice though, Helen, you must admit. I'd like to hear what Carlos' response would be. Viv __________________ [TiAg ▪ Dakota Black ▪ Active steering ▪ Sports suspension ▪ 162s ▪ Sports seats ▪ Al trim ▪ Bi-Xenons ▪ F&R PDC ▪ NavPro ▪ Voice control ▪ Bluetooth ▪ 6CD Logic7]
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03-14-2008, 04:17 PM	#3
Steve A Brigadier General 96 Rep 3,465 Posts Drives: too much Join Date: May 2007 Location: Manchester UK iTrader: (0)	Just the advice i would of given........apart from give her a good rimming __________________ C350 cdi sport estate facelift 457lbft 130i M SportMercedes C350 CDI Sport Estate AutoMini Cooper Auto.Mercedes E250 CGI,Lexus IS-F,R36, RS4 Saloon,ML 420 CDI SPORT,M6, 335d, C55, C32, M3, M5, S3, ALL SOLD but fondly remembered
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03-15-2008, 03:01 PM	#6
jwbmw Major 33 Rep 1,386 Posts Drives: Jaguar XF S Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: West Midlands iTrader: (0) Garage List 2000 Z3 3.0i [0.00] 2007 E92 335D SE (2 ... [0.00]	Helen, I am sure you would be more decissive and not need advice!!! Go forth and multiply (well at least try to practise as often as possible) should be the moto. At least the woman could shag the hell out of the mechanic of her choice. __________________ Going out with a BAN now that the forum has become Chav Ville. Fair well the early adopters. Jaguar XF 3.0D S Gone: E92 335d
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03-15-2008, 03:19 PM	#7
beemerbird Major General 173 Rep 7,953 Posts Drives: Merc diesel Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Yorkshire iTrader: (0) Garage List 2010 TTRS [9.00] 2007 Audi S5 [0.00] May 2007 Porsche 99 ... [0.00] March 2007 Porsche ... [0.00] Sep. 2007 E92 335d SE [0.00] July 2006 E90 330i ... [0.00]	Moi more forthright, yeah I'd just go and get myself a mechanic, well a BMW technician perhaps who is upto speed of course Practice makes perfect I reckon Jason.
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03-15-2008, 04:03 PM	#8
jwbmw Major 33 Rep 1,386 Posts Drives: Jaguar XF S Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: West Midlands iTrader: (0) Garage List 2000 Z3 3.0i [0.00] 2007 E92 335D SE (2 ... [0.00]	BMW Technician up to speed! There is an oxymoron if ever I have heard one if the tales on this forum are anything to go by! __________________ Going out with a BAN now that the forum has become Chav Ville. Fair well the early adopters. Jaguar XF 3.0D S Gone: E92 335d
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03-15-2008, 04:19 PM	#11
!Xoible Banned 840 Rep 46,029 Posts Drives: .... Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: . iTrader: (4) Garage List 2008 M3 [4.00] 2007 335i [9.00] 2008 528i [8.00] 2006 Infiniti - G35 ... [8.00]	funny thread
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03-16-2008, 08:42 AM	#16
Steve A Brigadier General 96 Rep 3,465 Posts Drives: too much Join Date: May 2007 Location: Manchester UK iTrader: (0)	Id like to add American culture __________________ C350 cdi sport estate facelift 457lbft 130i M SportMercedes C350 CDI Sport Estate AutoMini Cooper Auto.Mercedes E250 CGI,Lexus IS-F,R36, RS4 Saloon,ML 420 CDI SPORT,M6, 335d, C55, C32, M3, M5, S3, ALL SOLD but fondly remembered
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03-16-2008, 01:53 PM	#21
dxb335d The Tarmac Terrorist 952 Rep 29,345 Posts Drives: 997.2 GT3 Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: ''Fandango Towers'' iTrader: (3) Garage List 2010 Porsche 997.2 GT3 [9.50] 2003 BMW E46 M3 [6.00] 2007 BMW E92 335D [5.50]	If it was a ford and the engine was cold, it could quite easily be the idle speed control vavle! My old man had a brand new Lancia delta intergrale evo back in the day 1992 and he hammered it i think, when my mum drove it it used to stall lol!! was brand new just used to apasting and not a slow drive!! Attached Images __________________ 997.2 GT3
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